The question I am writing on behalf of myself and my sister. We are third-generation immigrants, both our grandparents being Italian and settling in London. We have been raised in a British-Italian household sharing values from both, but never feeling as if we fit into either identity.

Being removed by two generations from our grandparents, and not speaking Italian, makes us feel as if we are not Italian, and that we are removed from this community. On the other hand, we don’t feel English, resulting in a lack of national and cultural identity. Thus, we feel a loneliness which is only furthered by us being removed from other family members who perhaps experience the same problem.

Although we have tried reaching out to Italian communities, often the language barrier makes us feel even more isolated and there seems to be a lack of conversation surrounding the experience of being third-generation immigrants, making us doubt that we can even make it part of our Italian identity. It feels as if the only thing that gives validity to this identity is our mother, who refuses to engage with this subject, and therefore this feeling is one that is external, and will unfortunately end with her. So I guess our question is, what can we do to end this feeling of isolation and lack of identity?

Philippa’s answer The physical feeling of being a “foreign” body in both lands, and carrying culture norms and mores from both, is difficult to navigate, so it is not surprising you have some feelings of disconnection.

It struck me that your mother won’t engage with you and your sister on this subject. Her parents may have been in the Second World War, they may have lost property, people and livelihoods, so I imagine there is pain and trauma back there and I’m wondering whether this has been passed down to you and your sister via your mother. It may be that to talk about Italy, as an Italian, to talk to you in Italian, to share with you what it feels like to her to be Italian while having to be in Britain is too painful to think about. There is some mystery there and maybe your mother can’t explain it but only feel it.

It could be that she has passed down this feeling of not belonging to you and it may seem to her that the best way of curing it is to deny it, meaning you and your sister are pushed away when you try to go there. My fantasy is that she wants you to be British women so that you don’t get this feeling of being in two cultures while not belonging to either of them. But if this was her plan, it has not worked. I’m only guessing but I feel there is a sense of disconnect in your mother around identity and belonging, and this has unintentionally been passed to you. I’m sorry she did not speak Italian to you when you were babies, or that your grandparents didn’t; it would have helped, I think, to have the two languages.

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When I have worked with second-generation immigrants, they say they feel, like you, neither one thing nor the other. In this country, they are seen as being from the country their parents came from, but when they go back to the land of their parents they are called British, without feeling that they are either. Transgenerational or intergenerational trauma is when the experiences of parents affect the development of children and even grandchildren. Researchers don’t completely understand this type of trauma but have noted it changes not only the way parents are with their children, but how certain genes are expressed in future generations. This may explain further why you and your sister feel anchorless and as though you do not belong anywhere. But what practical steps can you take?

Learning Italian may help – especially if you watch Italian films, read Italian books and get into the rhythm of the language and really embody it. I think it will bring you closer to the culture, even if you never get fluent. This is not an easy task, but you can do it together and then you’ll have company.

A Spanish-British friend told me that she calls herself a “Londoner”, as she feels such an identity embraces so many cultures. You are Italian-British, British-Italian, but I think you have been pushed away a little from the Italian, not only because of possible trauma in previous generations but perhaps because your mother was somehow made to feel ashamed of being an immigrant. I think people should be proud of taking the bold step to emigrate, but it could be a reason why she seems to not want to engage about being an Italian in Britain.

You belong here on this Earth, the world is your home, but I understand you want to feel more at home. What you and your sister feel is typical, so you are having a very normal, human response to the situation.

Book recommendation The Bridge: Dialogues Across Cultures edited by Talia Levine Bar-Yoseph (Gestalt Press)