Name: Dinner.

Age: About 200 years.

Appearance: A mixture of starch, protein and vegetables on a plate.

Wait, dinner is only 200 years old? Yes. Humanity’s decision to eat a main meal at the end of the day coincided with the invention of artificial light and standardised working hours.

That’s not dinner. That’s tea. No, it’s not. It’s dinner or, if you absolutely must, supper.

You’re so stuck up. Anyway, let’s not get all snarled up in class semantics. I’m talking about the main meal of the day.

(Tea.) Shh! Please tell me what time you usually eat dinner.

I don’t know, about nine. And do tell me, would you consider yourself ever so slightly rotund?

Cheeky! I’m just asking because, were that the case, you should really give some thought to eating earlier. Much earlier. Ideally about 5pm, if possible.

Don’t be ridiculous, that’s the crack of dawn. I’m not being ridiculous. A study at Harvard medical school has found that eating your main meal of the day at 5pm is one of the best ways to lose weight.

There had better be some science to back this up. It works for a number of reasons, apparently. First, if you eat earlier, you’re less likely to get hungry during the day and fall on a pile of sugary snacks. But also late eaters tend to burn calories more slowly, with fat cell genes behaving in a way that promotes fat growth.

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But 5pm is the middle of the day. Oh come now, eating early is the new eating late.

Maybe if you’re ancient. Not really. An article last week said that eating in restaurants early is getting trendy. One possible explanation is that we all work from home now and don’t spend as much time in city centres after clocking out of the office. Go and look at a restaurant at 6.30pm. I’ll bet it’s packed.

6.30? Those tubby sods. It will get earlier. Trust me, it’s a matter of time. Join us.

Have you ever been to Spain? I know where this is going.

It’s just that Spanish people tend to eat very, very late at night, and obesity there is much lower than the US and the UK. What’s your point?

Maybe that this whole study is nonsense. Hey now, wait a minute. I eat my dinner at 5pm every night, and look at me.

You’re a bit porky, too. Well, yes, but that’s only because I spend my evenings feasting on a nonstop orgy of crisps, biscuits and ice-cream.

And why is that? Because I’m SO HUNGRY. I’m so hungry ALL THE TIME. Why can’t I just eat my dinner at half past seven like everyone else?

Tea. Stop it.

Do say: “I’d like to make a reservation for 5pm, please.”

Don’t say: “What do you mean you’re not open then?”