My parents are 84 and in fairly good health, although my dad has a few issues. I am in my late 50s and was widowed young with a toddler. My parents came to live with me for a couple of years, giving up their house and jobs to help, so when we went our separate ways I bought them a house and put it in my name to prevent inheritance issues.
I am trying to help them downsize from a three-bedroom family home to a more manageable ground-floor flat. I have finally found a property that is acceptable to both of them (not an easy task) and have a buyer for the house.
An essential aspect of downsizing is parting with some possessions and furniture, but I cannot get either of them to approach this rationally. They constantly argue about what to get rid of and try to involve me, but don’t take anything I say on board. My mother in particular is very unreasonable. I think she doesn’t really want to move and wants to stay in an unsuitable house so she can keep her furniture. And she’d like me to deal with any problems (as my dad used to, but is no longer able).
Do you have any suggestions on how to deal with this? I’m finding it extremely stressful and just want to give up the downsizing process – though I know it will be beneficial to all of us eventually – so I can get away from the bickering. I have two sisters but they are not especially helpful – one lives abroad; the other says it’s not her problem because the house is mine. My daughter is sympathetic but lives far away and has her own life.
It’s easy to see it as bricks and mortar and just “stuff”. To you, these things are a hindrance, and I understand that, but to your parents they represent so much more. Especially as they pretty much gave up their lives to come and help you when you needed it.
So it must be very difficult for all of you. You see the practical implications, but they see it as a loss of autonomy and that they are entering a stage in life where it’s about letting go of things, rather than acquisitions. No wonder your mother wants to cling on to her furniture. You, understandably, are exhausted by it all.
I wonder if you have considered bringing in either a professional declutterer or a friend you all get on with who could act as a buffer? I really think this would be the answer for all, but especially you. It’s very hard dealing with intransigent older parents who nevertheless need help.
The best place to find the former is by word of mouth or Google, then a talk on the phone to see who you gel with.
I went to one, Pippa Brooks, a probate valuations and clearance professional who does this sort of thing all the time. “It’s really good to have someone there to help who isn’t emotionally attached,” she says, “so things don’t get upsetting.”
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This person can also keep things moving, focus you all and stop you descending into “churning” of stuff (emotional and physical), which doesn’t get you anywhere. We all also tend to behave better when there is a slightly detached other person there.
Could you find a quiet, calm moment where you could talk to your mum about what all the stuff means to her? Or get someone else to? And then try to reassure her or maybe break it down into stages? I know it’s hard, but it’s difficult to make any progress when we feel defensive.
Brooks wondered if your parents could give items to a charity that means something to them, so they know they’re going to help someone else rather than “just going in the bin”, which would be really upsetting for them.
When you do get going, be decisive and be prepared. Have boxes to filter things into (recycling/charity/keep etc). Anything that actually is for the bin “put in a black bin liner and knot it” so there’s little temptation to go back and rifle. If certain things really can’t be let go of, consider a small storage unit for a few months to give you breathing space. Take pictures/videos of emotionally precious things that nevertheless need to go. Label everything.
Brooks also said that if all else fails you could just move their stuff into the smaller place and it would be “apparent, pretty quickly, that things need to be sorted out”.
You haven’t asked me for legal advice, but do make sure that, with all this transference of assets, you have taken proper legal advice so as to not have problems further down the line.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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