If you’re someone who worries that you’ll be perceived as rude, it may be hard to hold the line. Dr. Samuels says that taking a beat and reminding yourself that boundaries aren’t unkind and that they’re meant to protect you (from feeling burned out and resentful, for example) can help you get more comfortable setting them.
Be consistent with your boundaries.
If a coworker ambushes you first thing Monday morning, you can try saying something like, “I’m sorry, I just got here and need time to settle in.” Relaxing this boundary and letting them over-vent on Tuesday, though, makes you an “active participant in being drained,” Dr. Appleton says. “What’s not okay one day can’t be okay the next because it’s confusing to that person, so they’ll continue to push that line.”
Another example of consistent boundaries is always letting your coworker know how much time (if any) you have to talk. If you see their number pop up on your call display, you can answer the call by saying, “I’m heading into a meeting, so I only have 10 minutes to chat,” for example. If you don’t feel comfortable saying that on the phone, you can let their call go to voicemail and send a Slack or email later instead. And, again, if you’re worried you’re being unkind by limiting your interactions, know that this is actually a way to build trust in a relationship because “people feel safe when they know what to expect,” Dr. Appleton says.
Hold yourself accountable and take care of yourself.
It bears repeating: “The less available we allow ourselves to be, the less likely the energy vampire will see us as a source of energy,” Dr. Samuels says. If you decide to pull back and know the coworker will notice, she suggests communicating your own struggles, so you’re not putting the blame on them. For instance, you can try saying, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed since we got back to the office. It’s been great catching up with everyone, but right now I think I need to spend more time focusing on work so I’m not falling behind.”
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And remember that anyone (yes, even you and me) can become an energy vampire, so self-care and self-awareness are critical. If you’re struggling at work, it can be tempting to constantly gripe to your coworkers, but that ultimately doesn’t help anyone, so you’re better off finding support outside of the workplace. Talking to a therapist, maybe, or with friends or family members you trust can help you relieve stress and give you an outside perspective that might help you come to a solution.
And since employees of color often face the added burden of racial inequity in the workplace, it can be particularly important for them to find a supportive community of color within or outside of their organization, whether that’s an advocacy group, an online community of people in the same profession, or even a group of friends.
“Those supports are going to be really helpful, not just in advocating for you with respect to things like salary, promotion, and dealing with workplace discrimination,” Dr. Samuels says, “but also to practice having assertive conversations about your boundaries and what you expect from coworkers, so you can show up at work and be your best self.”
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Source: SELF
