I’m a woman of 50, married for 30 years to the best husband.
He is a very kind person, whom I love dearly. We have a very comfortable and balanced relationship where we have our hobbies, but also shared interests. We parent the children (almost grownups) as a well-functioning team. All in all, life with him is perfect.
My problem is that I’m insanely jealous of an ex-colleague of his. A few years ago, he started to spend more time with a group of colleagues in their 30s – let’s call them Jack, Jules and Ann. What started during office hours soon spilt over to lunch, regular drinks, dinner, etc.
I heard more and more often about Ann: “Ann is so good at this, why don’t you cook vegetables like Ann” and so on. She is a woman I can’t compete with: she is young, beautiful, funny, extrovert.
These were uneasy times. I felt really anxious, and scared that he’d leave me for her. This led to a number of arguments. Eventually, he changed job and he no longer sees her on a daily basis. He also realised I felt anxious and agreed to stop seeing her.
However, he’s still friends with his former colleagues and if he’s having a drink with, say, Jack, I’ll hear afterwards that Ann popped in. I want to stress that he’s considerate of my anxiety, he’s very honest and he’ll always tell me when he’s met her, even if it was by accident. He doesn’t try to find ways to meet her.
But I’m insanely jealous of this woman. Any time he mentions her name, feelings of jealousy, rage and hate for her swell up that I can’t control. I know I should get over it, but I don’t manage to. I only overreact, terrified he may fall in love with her (again?) and leave me.
How can I put this behind me and move on?
You’re asking some really good questions, which is key to taking the heat out of this situation, and for you to really dig down into why you’re having such an extreme reaction to this woman. I’m interested to know if you feel like this about anyone else? When we have a reaction to a situation or person that’s disproportionate, it’s usually because it’s not just about what’s in front of us.
I also noted that you and your husband got together very young. My experience of people who get together very young is that they can get “stuck” in young and extreme feelings towards one another and there’s often not a lot of life experience to put things into context, ie that men and women can be friends (they really can!) and nothing more.
I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Kate Merrick. “I’m struck by how present and vocal your inner critic is,” she said. “It sounds as though under the surface your self-esteem may be quite fragile.”
I also thought your thinking was quite black and white: your husband is “the best”, your life is “perfect” (as, according to you, is Ann: she isn’t; she’s human).
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Merrick wondered if something “that’s historical, something that has been familiar to you in your early years”, is being stirred up. She asked if “you’ve been ‘insanely jealous’ and enraged before? Maybe even hateful towards someone when you were young? A sibling perhaps, or a parent who remarried? Is something being re-enacted here, of feeling insecure, afraid? Maybe even feeling left out and abandoned?”
In short, what does this situation remind you of? Because from what you’ve said you have nothing to worry about with Ann, so what is being evoked? You may have to sift through some uncomfortable feelings that you’ve buried, but this may help to defuse the “hate bomb” you have towards her.
I’m pleased your husband seems to understand, although asking why you don’t cook vegetables like Ann isn’t helpful (what does she do to them?). Merrick wondered if there was “an invitation here from life to do some deeper, inner healing work and cultivate more self-awareness, compassion and love for yourself. And in moments when you feel hijacked by those powerful, intense emotions, to try to remind yourself that your husband is very supportive, kind and loving.”
This will take a bit of time, but facing up to difficult feelings is the way to process them and put them where they belong. You may find these podcasts I made on the inner critic and envy/jealousy helpful.
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