I am in my 30s and the middle child of three sisters. We don’t see one another that often as we live across the UK, but try to speak regularly and meet up a few times a year.
I have always seen my older sister as more of a mum figure as our mum was explosive, cold and critical (we all have very little contact with her now). However, over the past few years our relationship has become more strained. Ultimately, I miss the closeness we had, but I’m also concerned for her wellbeing as she seems so stressed and overwhelmed.
She has two young children, and the eldest has some challenging behaviours. My sister is great with them, but she has a very tense relationship with her partner.
I feel that tension contributes to her older child’s anxiety. I don’t think she’s coping, but I feel helpless as to how to give her support as she denies she needs any. My younger sister stays out of it but agrees she is stressed and takes this out on others. I would like to help her, but how?
I went to UKCP psychotherapist Lisa Bruton whose first thought echoed mine: “Zooming out a bit and trying to get a gauge of the broader family context, I wonder whether your sister was the ‘parentified’ child within your family – that is, placed in a parental role and took on the emotional responsibility for her two younger siblings. She may not have been adequately mothered and did not have an older sibling to do that for her.”
Bruton went on to explain that parentified children “can often be excessively self-reliant and also resentful, especially if they become mothers. This is not something for you to fix, but it might offer context.”
She also pointed out that you may need to readjust “to the fact that your sister is not an ideal parental figure but actually a flawed peer who is vulnerable herself.”
I understand you are keen to support your sister. Bruton said it is important to think about how and where you contact her: “So often the tone and intention of something sensitive like this can be lost in a message, so it might be more useful to have this conversation face to face.” Or you could write her a letter, which will give her time to digest it.
Try to meet up, just the two of you, away from other family and children. Bruton suggested “maybe connecting in a different way, by doing something fun and lower stakes together.”
Given your concern for your sister (with, it seems, good reason), when you talk to her think about how you broach the subject. Bruton said: “If your sister shuts down the conversation you might want to gently probe further and say something like, ‘I am concerned for you, can I tell you a little about why that is?’”
Maybe no one has expressed concern for your sister for a very long time. Bruton thought maybe “toxic patterns of behaviour have become normalised for her and her partner, and she can’t see how tense and unpleasant the atmosphere around her has become.” Given you’ve also expressed concern, in your longer letter, about her partner, we thought it would be an idea to check in with him, too.
Bruton also felt “it would be really beneficial for you to be the stable, loving aunt present in your nieces/nephews’ lives. So many of my clients with less than ideal parents have found solace in such relationships, so if you could maintain a strong relationship with her children (through cards, voice notes etc) that could be very valuable to them.”
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