Maintaining the option for communication or even saving old texts or phone calls, according to Zaman, “keeps hope that [you’ll] possibly get back together. It could also hinder the ability to move on with your life without this person in it.”
That said, one day after you’ve processed the relationship and can even look back on it fondly, you may wish you still had certain mementos from your time together, which brings us to our next tip.
11. If you do save mementos, do it smartly.
If you don’t want to throw out all the memories associated with your ex, Decker suggests putting them in a box and keeping it out of our eyesight until emotions have died down and you can make a less impulsive decision about what to do with your keepsakes.
If you don’t trust that you won’t still dig out your ex’s old sweater that you always slept in—even after hiding it—consider asking a trusted friend to either hide or hold on to these mementos for you.
12. Try dating yourself. (Yes, seriously.)
In case you’re tempted to roll your eyes at this one, know that it really can be helpful. “Whenever I am dealing with a breakup, I always act as if I am in a relationship with myself,” says Jeanine Duval, the editor of an online Tarot and astrology resource in Montreal. She takes herself on dates, cooks herself exciting meals, the whole nine. “Treat yourself like you are the best partner in the world! Because newsflash: You are your own best partner,” she says.
13. Don’t keep tabs on your ex.
You don’t need to know about what they are up to, so don’t fall into the trap of lurking on their social media or having mutual friends keep you updated. Knowing what they’re up to will not help you move on. “If you find yourself obsessively checking their [social media], it would benefit you to either unfriend, block, or hide them, as is an option on some apps,” Decker explains. Again, this is a time you may need to enlist the help of a friend who can take these steps for you if it’s too much to do them on your own.
14. And don’t hook up with them!
This might seem obvious, but it’s nearly impossible to sever the tie between you and your ex if you’re still physically connecting with them.
15. Take a break from dating if you’re not ready.
Being single again might seem scary, but you don’t have to force anything. Jumping into something too soon, Decker says, can backfire when you have not yet fully processed your breakup. “This can lead to additional stress and regret that will further complicate the healing process,” she explains.
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16. And periodically check in with yourself to see if you are ready.
How do you know when it’s time to date again? “When you consistently feel more positive emotions than negative ones, such as you often find yourself laughing and feeling more like yourself,” Decker says. Another good sign can be if you consistently think of your relationship without a strong emotional response, such as anger or sadness. But that won’t necessarily be true for everyone—you may be able to still find a special connection or just have a great time dating even when processing anger or sadness about your ex. Ultimately, though, dating will feel best if you’re looking to genuinely enhance your life, not just fill a void of loneliness.
17. Don’t engage in revenge posting.
You know the posts—where you’re curating your social media with the intention of posting things your ex will see (or hear about through mutual friends) in order to elicit jealousy, show them how great you’re doing, or just generally behaving with them in mind. This causes you to still prioritize them and allows them to take up significant real estate in your mind. There’s nothing inherently wrong with these kinds of posts, but if you’ll be disappointed if your ex doesn’t watch your story or text you after a particularly great post on your feed, that’s a sign to proceed with caution.
18. Consider volunteering.
When Nelli Kim, a 43-year-old founder of a purpose-driven shoe company in New York City, went through a divorce, she found giving back both distracting and rewarding. “I volunteered for a mission trip to serve women and children who had been rescued from sex trafficking in Mumbai,” she says. Volunteering really can be a double whammy of goodness. In addition to, you know, ideally helping to make the world a better place in some way, research shows that volunteering can help boost your own emotional well-being2.
19. Focus on creating new memories.
After a breakup, it can be hard to go to your local coffee shop, listen to your favorite artist, or take your dog for a walk without your former partner if those are the things you used to do to bond. But use this opportunity to create new memories of your own that aren’t tied to your ex. “Try going to a restaurant you and your ex frequented with friends instead and choosing to have a great time, or picking a new restaurant and creating a new memory,” says Sam Bolin, a licensed clinical social worker in Linthicum, Maryland.
20. Don’t wait for “closure” before letting yourself move on.
Having a mentality of “I’ll be over it when X, Y, or Z happens” is a surefire way to continue pushing off your healing. You may never get the apology or explanation you’re seeking—so your healing cannot be dependent on that. It is inevitable that there will be things that will remind you of your ex periodically as the months pass by. This is perfectly normal, says Zaman, and indicative of why there is no “perfect” form of closure, even after leaving a good relationship.
Sources:
- American Psychological Association: Breakups aren’t all bad: Coping strategies to promote positive outcomes
- Journal of Happiness Studies: Does Volunteering Make Us Happier, or Are Happier People More Likely to Volunteer? Addressing the Problem of Reverse Causality When Estimating the Wellbeing Impacts of Volunteering
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Source: SELF
