Weeks in, for example, they may say they’ve never felt so understood, that you’re “the one” or their “soulmate.” With this setup, “feelings of love and trust are built so quickly that they may lower a person’s walls and inhibitions,” Bendiksen explains. “Then, when the love bomber exhibits disturbing behavior, it’s such a departure from the person you first met that you wonder if you did something wrong, or you justify the behavior as a onetime incident.”
What’s more: This initial starry-eyed phase of a relationship can prime you to latch onto an idealized version of your partner and later put up with their “bad side” in order to keep the good. Many survivors get trapped because they blame themselves for their partners’ actions or feel the need to help them due to such an immense attachment forged early on, Bendiksen says.
6. Your relationship feels like it’s on fast forward.
Meaning: One moment you were newly dating, the next you’re moving in together, engaged, talking kids. “In abusive relationships, there is often a brief, intense courtship period followed by a desire to quickly formalize and deepen the commitment,” Reagan says. “If the person seems to be madly in love with you days or weeks after you meet for the first time, or if you find yourself wondering how they could possibly feel so strongly about you when they don’t know you very well, that’s a red flag.” Again, this is about the love bomber trying to swoop in and take over your life.
Receiving comments like “This seems to be moving really fast” from friends or family? Instead of getting defensive, try to take the opportunity to ask questions about their concerns, Reagan suggests. Get input from multiple people in your support system, listen carefully to what they have to say, and then reflect on how you feel about the pace or nature of your relationship. If your partner’s truly interested in building a relationship, they’ll readily accept a request to slow down—even if that takes some adjustment for both of you.
What to do if you’re feeling iffy about a new relationship
“These manipulative patterns can be very subtle, and I don’t suggest being suspicious of someone’s kind behavior or assuming the worst intentions, but when something feels off, trust your gut,” Reagan says. If you suspect you’re being love bombed, you don’t necessarily need to end the relationship immediately. But you should slow down and reassess your situation, according to the experts we talked to. Here are some ways to do that:
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Create space.
“Commit to taking some time apart, even if it is a portion of your day,” Dr. Welsh recommends. Visit a friend you haven’t seen in a long time, take a weekend trip to see family, or schedule time for a beloved hobby or self-care activity—what you do doesn’t matter; what matters is that you give yourself an opportunity to get a break from the relationship in order to check in with yourself and your values, Suarez-Angelino says. If your partner reacts with drama that re-centers them—by stonewalling you, sulking, or blowing up your phone—that’s a sign they don’t respect your needs and are trying to control you.
Take a personal inventory.
Write out what your life looks like now versus what it looked like before your relationship, Dr. Welsh suggests: What’s changed in terms of how you spend your time? Who are you still in touch with (or not)? “Then, go through each difference and identify whether it’s a change you want or an adjustment based on your partner’s desires,” Dr. Welsh says. If you find you’ve lost touch with people you cared about before the relationship, this could be a sign that your partner is trying to isolate you.
Talk to an objective outsider.
If you’re feeling protective of your relationship or don’t want to sound a false alarm, consider connecting with someone who isn’t a close friend or family member, Reagan says. For instance, you can contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline (NDVH) at 1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224, text START to 88788, or open a chat online (contrary to popular opinion, you do not have to be in a crisis situation to reach out—and if you’re worried about a loved one, you’re also welcome to contact the hotline for advice on how to approach the issue). Love bombing can be a highly confusing and disconcerting experience. Having a confidential chat with a trained advocate can help you determine whether you’re dealing with abuse or an otherwise unhealthy relationship.
Source: SELF
