Before starting the conversation, consider exactly why you feel the relationship should end, but be careful not to put all of the blame on your partner. “If you understand your reasoning for not wanting to be in a relationship or in that particular relationship, be really clear on it because that’s what eliminates some of the pain,” Dennis says. She recommends focusing on yourself when explaining why. So instead of saying, “You never have enough time for me,” put the focus on your feelings and say, “I’ve realized this relationship isn’t fulfilling all of my needs.” While you can’t avoid all hurt feelings, putting the focus on what you’re missing from the relationship keeps the blame game to a minimum. “It just lands a little differently,” Dennis says. “You’re saying the same thing, but from the ‘I’ perspective it doesn’t feel like an attack.”
It’s important to give your partner the space they need to talk through their feelings, too. Understand that each of you is coming to the conversation with different perspectives and different needs. Validation is important in a breakup conversation, though it’s key to remember that validation does not equal agreement, Dr. Fleming says. For instance, you can say “I hear you” or “I understand why you’re hurting,” without implying that you necessarily agree with their viewpoints. “The important piece about this is reflective listening,” Dr. Fleming says. You’re validating your partner’s feelings (within reason), empathizing, and giving them the space to be heard.
As much as you want to empathize and be respectful about your partner’s perspective, Dennis cautions against focusing too much on putting yourself in their shoes. “Breakups can be unpredictable and the initiator is taking a big step towards choosing self,” she says. Your intention in ending the relationship should be avoiding intentional harm, not trying too hard to understand your partner’s perspective.
READ RELATED: AstraZeneca headquarters: Why is the AstraZeneca vaccine made in India?
Beyond creating space for a respectful conversation, Tanner recommends avoiding giving false hope that you can get back together in the future. “If you’re sure about your decision to break up with this person, stay strong in that decision and don’t communicate about the possibility of the relationship reopening,” says Tanner.
Making the post-breakup period less awful
Once the conversation is over, try to respect the level of privacy your partner wants, within reason. If they’d like to wait a few days or weeks before telling friends and family that your relationship is over, try to honor that request. Similarly, it’s a good idea to follow their lead when it comes to post-breakup contact. If they want a clear and immediate break on all fronts, try to respect that. On the other hand, if they want to continue to communicate in a way that you don’t feel comfortable with, be clear about that.
Of course, any relationship that has lasted more than a few weeks will have logistics to deal with in a breakup. Do you keep following each other on social media? Do you go to mutual friends’ parties and birthdays? If you live together, who moves out and who keeps what? If you have pets, do you share custody now, or does one person take the pets? Unfortunately, there’s no easy guide for how to end a relationship. These questions either have to be part of the first breakup conversation, or you’ll have to schedule a second conversation to figure out what happens now. Dennis recommends thinking through your own logistics plan before the breakup conversation even happens. “You don’t want your next move to be dependent on your ex,” she says. That might include finding a place to stay if you live together and making a list of everything you brought to your shared living space or have left at your partner’s place.
Source: SELF
