My mum recently broke up with her boyfriend of 11 years, a man I view as my father. Two months later, she rekindled her relationship with her childhood sweetheart whom I had never met until she brought him home.
At first, I felt happy for her; who doesn’t love a high-school romance? But soon I began to feel uncomfortable. My mum is a strong-willed woman who has always stood on equal grounds with her partners, never submitting to the ideology that a woman should cook and clean for her spouse without receiving respect in return. But within the first days of her boyfriend coming to stay, she was cooking extravagant breakfasts in bed while he peacefully snoozed and she began running to the store at his every request.
I understand she is caught up in the thrill of a new romance, especially given their past chemistry, but it makes me feel weird to see her bending over backwards for a man she hadn’t been in contact with for the previous 30 years.
I wouldn’t have such a problem if it were just a new boyfriend situation; however, she has told me that they are already thinking of getting married in the near future, which leads me to believe she may be more vulnerable then she lets on and is moving on way too fast from her prior relationship. I understand it may seem childish and, yes, I may be biased because I loved her previous boyfriend – and I am well aware my mother is a grown woman who deserves to be happy – but this situation leaves me feeling really worried. Her new boyfriend has even bought her a new car and told her he’ll put money down to help her open her own business in her home country so, of course, she’s lovestruck!
How should I react to this situation? Do I tell my mum how I feel about her relationship, or should I just put on a brave face and be happy for her like she has always done for me?
You show incredible maturity and insight for someone who is still in their late teens. To answer your question I think you should react just as you are: with concern and questions. That doesn’t make you wrong, it makes you thoughtful.
Of course you should talk to your mum about how you feel. But first let’s take a little look in more detail at what might be going on.
I went to UKCP psychotherapist John Cavanagh. His first thought was that you were, on top of everything else “very probably grieving for the ‘loss’ of your dad. [And possibly also your original dad?] How was that handled in the family? Was it talked about or was it all a rush and feel like an ambush?”
Are you still able to see him? Eleven years is a long time, especially during such formative years, to just let go of someone. I bet he misses you, too.
There’s always an element of a newly formed couple being “loved up” and being a bit excluding of others. And you may have been too young to notice that with her previous boyfriend 11 years ago. But Cavanagh noted your use of the words “uncomfortable, weird, worry”, these are powerful feelings this man has evoked in you. “What do your mum’s friends and other family think about what’s happening. Do you feel you can talk to them? Is your mum isolating yourself and not seeing her friends?”
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Nowhere was there any mention of the relationship you have with this man. Is he inclusive with you? Do you feel there is potential for a relationship there? Is he nice to you?
It’s not at all unusual to feel left out and maybe even a bit weird, about a parent starting a new relationship. But if you have any warning signs such as mentioned above you do need to talk to other family members, and your mum.
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It sounds as if you have a good relationship with her so try to get some time alone, maybe do something you both like to do together and then say something like “Mum, I’m having these feelings and I need some reassurance”. Sometimes parents need signposting of what it is you need. Remember to use I-first statements: “I feel as if”, “I worry about” … rather than “you make me feel like this” or “he does this which is annoying”.
People often listen more if they think you want collaboration rather than if they’re made to feel defensive. I think you need reassurance that she is still your mum, even if it feels she’s not acting like it with her out of character behaviour. I very much hope you get it.
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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