For many years, Anna Donaghey appeared to have it all together. She had a successful career in the advertising and creative industry, a happy family life, and a vibrant social circle.
The reality, however, couldn’t have been more different.
‘Beneath the surface, I was struggling,’ she tells me.
‘Alcohol had taken control of my life.’
Anna says she drank heavily, regularly, and it became a coping mechanism that left her feeling trapped, exhausted and overwhelmed.
‘The reality was that drinking had become more than just a habit – it was an all-consuming cycle. Nights of drinking were frequently followed by panic attacks and restless sleep, only to be dragged through the next day with a hangover and a sense of dread.’
At the age of 35, Anna had been married to Kieran for two years and they were excited to be expecting their first child.
‘I honestly hoped that whole experience of pregnancy would give me a nine-month break from my drinking and then I’d be somewhat reinvented through motherhood, that it would slow down my drinking or curb it entirely.’
Anna Donaghey thought a nine-month break from drinking while pregnant would reset her relationship with booze. It didn’t
But she was wrong.
‘I didn’t realise the drinking I was [doing] was an addiction and it wasn’t as simple as turning the page and opening a fresh chapter in life,’ Anna says.
‘It was my entire emotional management system – and I was about to enter the most emotional part of my life.
‘I stood on the cusp of my first maternity leave with such mixed emotions. After 12 years in the booze-soaked advertising industry in London, I was ready to leave work and Soho behind me.’
Coupled with that was the anxiety Anna felt about stepping into the unknown world of parenthood.
‘I was going to have a baby to look after. My husband and I would look at each other and say, “We’re having a baby, for God’s sake!”
‘I kept telling myself it was time to be responsible. I was committed to drawing a line under a very self-indulgent, hedonistic, reckless and boozy chapter of my life. I didn’t drink in my pregnancy and had a real sense of responsibility for creating a healthy baby – but this was the longest period of abstinence since I’d started drinking.’
Within six months of giving birth, Anna was back to drinking a bottle of wine every night.
Within six months of giving birth, Anna was drinking a bottle of wine a night. ‘I felt completely out of control and completely out of my depth,’ she says
‘That crept up very quickly,’ she says.
‘As soon as I’d given birth, I started to drink again but it was just a glass of champagne because I was breast feeding. Then I discovered “pump and dump” of storing milk so I could bend the rules and drink if I timed it carefully.
‘As a young mum, I felt very disorientated. I felt totally out of control and completely out of my depth. I had not automatically morphed into “supermum”. I was bewildered.’
Anna says she resented the boredom she felt while on maternity leave and missed being at work.
‘I felt shame for feeling all those thoughts. I felt a tsunami of emotional pain. It felt five thousand miles away from everything that was familiar to me. I lost contact with lots of friends from my work circle; we just lived different lives,’ she says.
‘My world suddenly became baby yoga and babyccinos. I wasn’t in a bubble of happiness; I found it mind-numbing and struggled to adjust.’
Anna says she was using alcohol to help numb her negative emotions. It also made her feel less overwhelmed. ‘My god, by the time evening finally rolled around, I believed I deserved that wine.’
Anna had a second baby and stopped drinking throughout that pregnancy, too.
But after that birth, her boozing continued.
It wasn’t until her eldest daughter turned seven that she began drinking in secret – a dangerous milestone for any problem drinker.
‘I remember thinking, very irresponsibly, that she wasn’t clocking my drinking yet, so I was getting away with it,’ Anna tells me.
One Sunday, when her eldest was 10, Anna was cooking lunch – something she loved doing, especially with a glass of wine. So she opened a bottle to sip while she prepared her ingredients.
Anna says at times she found parenting ‘mind-numbing’ and missed being at work
Soon, she’d lost track of how much she was drinking and ended up drunk.
‘The girls were meant to have a playdate that day, but it was cancelled so they unexpectedly came home.’
Anna wasn’t in a fit state to care for them. It was then that Anna’s eldest daughter asked a mortifying question.
‘My daughter asked her dad, “Why is mummy behaving funny?”‘ Anna says.
Anna’s husband then told her to go upstairs and lie down away from the girls, saying her behaviour was really upsetting him and the kids.
‘I went to bed to sleep it off and felt awful afterwards,’ she admits.
Towards the end of her drinking, Anna feared she was going to lose her marriage
Something shifted that day for Anna; she realised her secret drinking wasn’t a secret after all. It was the beginning of her admitting how bad things had become.
‘I remember thinking, if I don’t get a grip, I’m going to put my family in jeopardy. I knew I had to cut back,’ she says.
So there was no real rock bottom. There were no car crashes, public incidents or major life failures.
‘Instead, I had a series of wake-up calls that quietly demanded my attention.
‘I looked in the mirror and saw a shadow of the determined, driven young woman I had been. I felt so low. My energy, ambition and spirit were fading. I knew something had to change. I felt so ashamed and embarrassed, I blamed it on feeling depressed, even to my GP.’
One of the biggest barriers to Anna seeking help was the stigma around drinking problems.
‘Society paints a narrow picture of what it means to be an “alcoholic” – often someone visibly down and out. I didn’t fit that image, and I didn’t want the label. I could see that if I carried on, I was going to end up losing my marriage that I was very committed to. It looked like a bleak and lonely future.’
At that same time though, she couldn’t deny alcohol was the root of her unhappiness, and she knew she had to confront it.
Anna now works as a sobriety coach so she can help others who are struggling
‘If this rings true for you, please know that help comes in many shapes and forms. I knew AA wasn’t for me. I knew it was the conventional route, but the shame of having that label attached to me was too intense. I couldn’t do that to myself,’ she says.
In hindsight, it’s a pity that I felt so strongly about that because I might have improved my life sooner. I did Google, “am I an alcoholic?” and found This Naked Mind [a renowned “quit lit” book] and started reading things that spoke to me.
‘I read it wasn’t my fault and started to question why I drank. I began to ask myself what I trying to escape or numb. I started to take back control of my life.’
Anna stopped thinking of it as a battle between ‘normal drinking’ and ‘alcoholism’ and started seeing it as a complex personal challenge.
‘I dug into the reasons behind my drinking. I thought I drank to relax but realised that I drank because I was approaching life in a way that made it so unrelaxing,’ she says.
‘Being a perfectionist wasn’t serving me. I realised this stemmed back to when I was at school and formed a very limiting belief that I wasn’t smart enough. Through reflection and self-exploration, I finally found a way out.’
Today, Anna lives alcohol-free, with purpose and clarity. She quit at 48 and, over the last five years, her energy has returned, relationships have healed and she feels more connected to her true self.
‘I love being fully present in my life today. I thrive helping others take control and engage with alcohol on their terms. It wasn’t an easy journey, but it was transformative. I trust myself more now, I listen to my instincts, I have a greater sense of who I am.
‘I know I parent better because I’m tuned in and feeling like I’m on solid ground to provide advice to my kids. My relationship with my husband is worlds apart. I realised how on edge he’d been for a long time; he was always waiting for the trip-up or an embarrassment. I have more energy and feel optimistic for my life and my kids. That’s so important.’
Anna Donaghey, lives in Gloucestershire, UK. She’s a mum of two teenage daughters, an Alcohol Mindset Coach, and host of ‘The Big Drink Rethink’ podcast. Anna helps others navigate a world where alcohol is everywhere and the pressures to consume it are huge.
