My daughter is eight years old. She’s sensible, fun, kind and compassionate. Her father and I have been divorced since she was two and we co-parent fairly amicably.
Shortly after we broke up he had a fling which resulted in a child. He has no relationship with his son but pays child maintenance. He upset the boy’s mother by asking for a paternity test so they haven’t had any contact for six years.
My ex-husband and I agreed that my daughter should know about her brother, but she needed to be older. As a toddler, she was desperate for a sibling and would, we felt, have struggled with the idea of having a half-brother she wasn’t allowed to see.
In my head, we were going to tell her when she was around eight – while she still trusts everything we say but would be more likely to understand that she can’t meet him.
I don’t want her to find out from someone else, which becomes more likely the older she gets as we live in the same town. I’ve never actually lied to her – Father Christmas, religion, politics, family stuff – I’ve always used a mixture of age-appropriate honesty and reflecting back at her.
I am deeply uncomfortable holding this secret, but want to do what’s best for her. I already carry a lot of guilt that she’s being raised in a “broken home” and want to do this right.
What are your tips for explaining something like this to a child? Is eight too young, or is it too late?
It’s not too late, you have to do it when you feel the time is right and there’s never a perfect time. But you are right to want to bring this out into the open.
Two things bother me though. There is no contact with the mother and son, so if your daughter asks to see him that’s not currently possible, so I think some careful thought needs to go into how you explain that. Second, your ex pays maintenance yet there’s been no establishment of paternity. I do worry about what the facts are – your ex may want to ask again for a test. Has he been named on the birth certificate?
I went to ACP-registered psychotherapist Emily Gough: “when considering the right moment to share sensitive family information with a child, it’s essential to keep in mind their developmental stage and emotional capacity. Learning about a secret sibling is going to be big news for your daughter, and secrets often thrive in environments filled with shame and guilt, so it is crucial for both you and your partner to agree in advance what to share at this stage.”
Rehearse what you’re going to say with someone else first (either each other or even in front of a mirror). Your daughter will probably take her lead from you, so if you and her father are confident, secure and calm she will take this information on board far more readily. Tell her together in a quiet space. Don’t pre-empt questions but see what comes up. Reassure her that she can ask questions at any point in the future. You’re thinking of this really emotionally, but her concerns may be really practical so be prepared for that. (“Will he share my toys?” type of thing.) Remember to reply to any questions calmly, factually and in answer to the question she asks – panic can set in and you start answering questions not asked. Children tend to ask what they can handle.
“By bringing trust, authenticity and honesty to your communication you can emotionally support your daughter in this,” advises Gough.
Gough also pointed out that as your daughter processes this news she my have “conflicting thoughts and feelings, from longing for a sibling to grappling with the reality that she cannot yet have a relationship with him”.
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I asked Gough what you might say if your daughter asks why she can’t see her sibling. Gough suggested something along the lines of just as you [her mother] are “carefully managing this situation for your daughter, the boy’s mother is managing things for him”. But there’s no easy answer here, and make it clear that it’s nothing to do with your daughter.
Make sure you know how you feel about all this so you can be as neutral as possible when breaking the news to your daughter. “It’s important to explore your own past experiences with secrets that may influence some of your feelings at this time,” says Gough.
Remember it’s also OK to say “I don’t know” in answer to questions. You don’t need to have all the answers. Good luck.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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