One way to build emotional closeness: Normalize caring for your friends, family, and community. That might look like both helping others out—by, say, offering to feed a neighbor’s cat while they’re away for the weekend, or picking up groceries for a depressed friend—and by accepting help yourself. Dr. Lakshmin says that in her private psychiatry practice, the latter is something most of her patients struggle with.
If you’re having a hard time, start by challenging yourself to say “yes” and accept a few offers for help that you normally wouldn’t (say, a neighbor offering to take your kids to the park with hers when you have a migraine, or a coworker covering for you for a few hours so you can get to a doctor’s appointment) and see how it feels. “When you accept support, you can see how genuinely people are willing to help you,” says Dr. Zhao. “This might make you rethink your hesitancy to reach out to others.”
5. Try the “reciprocity ring.”
Want to institute a culture of asking for help? When you’re with a group of people—in a work setting, with friends, with a crew of volunteers—consider suggesting this activity that Dr. Baker created: Go around in a circle and have everyone ask for something they need, in work or life. It could be something small like an extra pair of hands on a project or something bigger like help finding a new ob-gyn.
It’s called a reciprocity ring, Dr. Baker explains, and it can normalize the act of asking for help because everyone participates. And aside from setting a supportive tone, the activity often results in instant help in the form of connections, emotional support, resources, or more, he adds.
6. Be curious about rejection.
Okay, here’s the truth: Sometimes people are going to tell you that they just can’t help you. It happens. That’s life. The key is to learn something from the “no” instead of taking things personally, according to Dr. Baker.
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“Look at rejection as information, and be curious about the reason,” he suggests. Maybe the timing was bad or maybe they don’t have the resources (or answers or tools) required to help you. Reflection can help you form future requests (maybe you realize that you need to give people a bit more time to plan to help you, or that you should think more about who to ask before you reach out) or even change your request. For example, your editor friend may not have time to proofread your website, but maybe they know someone who might.
7. Consider talking to a therapist.
Ever feel like you know you need help but you just don’t know…what that could look like? Ever burst into tears when you even *think* about asking for help, or when someone asks what you need?
These are some indicators that you might benefit from professional mental health support, says Dr. Lakshmin. “Basically, these signs mean that the parts of your brain that feel all the feelings are on overdrive,” she explains. “You can’t access your prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain that is going to allow you to delegate and think logically about what you need.”
Working with a therapist can help you unpack your emotions in a safe space, figure out your needs, and make a plan of action for getting them met. (Here are SELF’s best tips for finding an actually affordable one.)
No matter how you go about honing your help-me skills, it’s a worthwhile pursuit—for everyone involved. “The person who is being asked to help also gets a huge benefit from being in that position,” Dr. Lakshmin says. “They are strengthening social ties and they are able to feel generous. Asking for help is quite generative for both parties.”
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Source: SELF
