A quick way to find out the answer? Give your memories a reality check by balancing the positive with the negative—or maybe the neutral. If you’re reminiscing over a “perfect” past relationship, say, Frank recommends identifying (out loud or in a journal) five things about it that weren’t exactly the stuff of romance novels. Ditto for past “dream” jobs, or a city you lived in and left for valid reasons. The goal, she says, isn’t to dwell on negativity but to balance the good memories with the not-so-good (or the average) so you have a clearer picture of what actually occurred. That way, you’re less likely to romanticize the past—and feel like the present doesn’t measure up as a result.
Recognize what you’re really missing.
Look at your seemingly dreamy memories and ask yourself what, exactly, you miss about those times. “Maybe you felt loved or maybe you felt excited about what you were doing,” Nancy Colier, LCSW, author of Can’t Stop Thinking: How to Let Go of Anxiety and Free Yourself from Obsessive Rumination, tells SELF. Identifying the roots of your nostalgia may help you to recreate similar situations that can bring you some of the same joyful feelings you’re longing for.
For example, if you’re craving the sense of community you felt when you and your coworkers used to hit up the local pub every Thursday after work, maybe you can create a similar meetup at your new job. Or if you’re reminiscing about the musty smell of newsprint in the neighborhood comic shop you frequented as a preteen, schedule some time to re-read old favorites. Miss having a partner to hang out and travel with? It might be time to pursue a new relationship (or just book a vacation with your best friends if it’s the passport stamp you’re after).
Of course, you may not be able to recreate the exact same circumstances from your past—due to age, new responsibilities, or the loss of a person or pet, for example. In those cases, Colier recommends giving yourself compassion for the “process of change and loss of identity” that’s part of the human experience. “Maybe you can’t go to college and run that triathlon anymore,” she says. “This human journey is filled with fluidity and loss, and change is the only constant.” Simply recognizing that and acknowledging the beauty of the past can help you stay connected to it—and bring you peace. “You might think, ‘Wow, what a time,’ and just because I can’t live it now doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist within me,’” she says.
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Don’t force gratitude.
Taking inventory of the things you’re grateful for may lead to mental health benefits like reduced stress and better sleep, as SELF previously reported. But it can be difficult to foster gratitude when your situation is, in fact, pretty terrible. Maybe your past really was much better: You lived most of your life in perfect health, say, and are suddenly facing a major illness, or you lost a loved one and your world felt better with them in it. In that case, coming to terms with the fact that the present is uncomfortable is a better strategy than forcing yourself to see some “silver lining,” Frank says. This type of denial is a form of toxic positivity that will only invalidate your very real pain and keep you stuck, she adds.
If you’re trapped in a more-positive past because your present reality is trash, instead of doing a daily gratitude list, Frank suggests trying to accept that today may be difficult, while also acknowledging it won’t last forever. “Joy will come again,” she says. “But if you try to make yourself feel joy, you’re not going to get there.” Conversely, if you go easy on yourself and feel all of your feelings, you’re more likely to heal and move forward, she adds.
Bring yourself into the moment.
One way to get unstuck in the past is to firmly plant yourself in the present through mindfulness, says Coleman. Formal meditation is one way to do that, but if meditating just isn’t your thing, you can experiment with alternative methods. You might try a guided journal exercise, for example, or just be more mindful while you eat, taking your time and paying attention to sensations and flavors.
Source: SELF
