“If you talk about it ahead of time in a relaxed situation, using [translation technology] if necessary, you’re likely to get more information about where you both want the sexual situation to go,” Stewart says. “That way, when you finally get into bed, you’ll have a better understanding of what the other person wants and will be better able to accommodate them.”
If you’re imagining this conversation being stilted and awkward, know that there are ways to make it fun instead. During your chat, you can teach each other phrases that will be important to know once things get heated (as outlined above), which could turn into foreplay. “It can be a fun erotic game to discover, learn, and teach words and phrases that will assist you in a more fulfilling intimate connection,” Beth Wallace, Spain-based sexual wellness counselor, tells SELF. You could, for instance, point to (or even undress) different parts of your body or act out different things you’d like to do as you teach each other the words for them.
Similarly, on your own, Wallace recommends thinking through what you are and aren’t okay with in advance so that when the time comes to communicate it, you won’t have the added task (and pressure) of deciding what you really want. For example, maybe you’re a hard no for intercourse the first time you hook up, but you’re open to oral sex.
4. Rely on visual learning.
If you’re struggling to discuss in detail what you’d like to do sexually, consider using visuals, Sara Nasserzadeh, PhD, social psychologist and certified sexuality counselor, tells SELF: “Visual components can often surpass language barriers, so finding something to watch with each other and agreeing to try something similar could be a fun way to communicate what you desire.” You might watch porn together, look at illustrated sex position articles, or share other erotic imagery, for example.
Dr. Nasserzadeh suggests bringing up the idea by saying (or translating) something like, “I was watching this scene that showed some pretty interesting positions that I thought would be fun to try. Want to watch together?” A playful comment like this can serve as an ice-breaker that might help make everyone involved feel a little more comfortable getting naked, she says.
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You can also show your partner what you like by touching yourself in front of them, Angel Russell, certified sex educator, tells SELF: “Demonstrate what you like so they can see and then copy what you’re doing.” Or, to let them know what kind of stimulation you want, you can gently guide their hand where you want it to go, Dr. Lehmiller adds.
5. Feel free to take your time if you need or want to.
Things may naturally move quickly when you’re hot for someone new, but at the very least, get clear on each other’s consent and boundaries before things escalate sexually. “It’s much harder, sometimes impossible, to come back from a misunderstanding or a boundary-crossing incident than it is to negotiate it in advance,” Wallace says.
Once everyone’s needs and wants are clear, you may feel totally at ease going full speed ahead. In that case, go for it! But if you’re not yet completely comfortable with a new partner, Wallace recommends trying to pace yourselves once you’re in bed together too: Spend a while cuddling or kissing first, then move to touching genitals—you get the picture. “If we move slowly, then we’re far less likely to misunderstand, misconstrue, or cross someone else’s or our own boundaries,” Wallace says.
Misunderstandings and mishaps are bound to happen with a language barrier in the mix (no matter how many conversations you have or apps you download) and, hopefully, they’ll give you a good laugh. But being conscious about communicating the important stuff can help ensure everyone’s boundaries and preferences are understood and respected—which should make the experience even hotter.
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Source: SELF
