The question I have recently come to the realisation that I am a deeply jealous person, which is causing me great unhappiness. I am envious of all my friends, my girlfriend, the stream of people I see through my social media and of anyone I deem to even have a modicum of “success” or talent. Any positive attribute I see in someone else becomes an attribute I don’t possess and therefore a negative mark on my scorecard.

My days are spent comparing myself and my work to anyone else I come across, to work out if I am more “successful” or having a better time. I can’t go down the street without seeing people who are far more talented than I am, artworks that I will never be able to create or skills that I will never be able to master.

I spend my whole time obsessing over how my own work is not as good as anyone else’s. I work as a freelance in a creative industry. And everyone’s work is out there for comparison. This has led to spiralling low moods and depression. How do I kill the green-eyed monster?

Philippa’s answer You cannot kill the green-eyed monster, but you can reframe it. Separate envy from jealousy. Think of jealousy as being more like when you don’t want to share your mum with a sibling, or wish evil upon those you see as your rivals. And envy as being like when someone has something that you want. Instead of thinking of this as a bad thing, think of it as information. It is alerting you to what you want. It can be hard to work out what we do want in life and envy is a feeling that can help us identify what our aspirations might be. Think of envy as a catalyst that helps you identify and motivate ambition, not as a pathological condition, but a normal part of mental processing.

You are not your thoughts, you are the observer of them: begin to identify more with the observer part of you than the part thinking these thoughts. Practise this. And until you have more control over your mind by this practice, delete social media from your phone.

At the moment, you are seeing someone else’s success personally, as though it reflects on you and isn’t just to do with them. You see their external successes and compare that to your own internal feelings of inadequacy. In other words, you are comparing people’s external appearance to your inner world. Learn more about other’s inner worlds. Talk about envy with your girlfriend, your friends. Learn how they experience it, too. The more you keep these envious feelings to yourself, the more power they will have over you.

If you were you, looking at you from the outside, what would you be envious of? The only person you need to compare yourself with is you. What can I do better today than I did yesterday? Break down your goals into the smallest steps possible.

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Other people will always be more talented than us: learn from and work with them, rather than seeing them as rivals or potential sources of pain. If someone has a quality you feel is not even in your nature to acquire, why not join forces with such a person? It’s why we work in teams – we all have different qualities to bring to the solving of problems. Don’t believe you must do everything on your own.

I wonder, when growing up, whether you were in the habit of viewing yourself as inferior or superior to a sibling. That may have become something of a blueprint for living for you. If so you might now be transposing this on to all your relationships. It’s only a formed habit. You can form new habits.

When you find yourself in a spiral of depressing comparisons, bring yourself into the present moment by concentrating on your breath until that spiral goes into the background.

The symbols of status we hang on to are not universally acknowledged. It means little to anyone outside the legal world if you are a district judge, a high court judge or an appeal judge because the outside world just hears “judge”. In the same way, it won’t matter to an outsider whether you are a set designer or an assistant art director – it’s all the same to an outsider. Few would think less of anyone for having one job title or contract over another, nor are you less worthy if you are between contracts. Such distinctions don’t seem important to people outside those worlds. Having many or few job titles, contracts or commissions does not mean you are more or less valuable or lovable. Someone else’s success is not your failure. You are still both worthy of love. You may have to say that to yourself out loud: “I am worthy of love.”

You’ve probably got so used to your comparison game, that it feels like “the truth”, but it isn’t. It’s just a game that makes you feel bad. When you notice yourself playing it, congratulate yourself on catching it and switch your focus. You won’t improve overnight, but with practice, you can shift this over time.

And, finally, you might not be the best judge of your own creative work. You only know what you wanted it to look like, whereas others can appreciate it for what it does look like.

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