My boyfriend and I are both in our early twenties and have been together for almost a year. In the past two months we have committed to a long-distance relationship.
When we are together everything is perfect; I truly feel like we have something special. However, we both struggle with communicating over text/calls and this can cause our relationship to stagnate. We are only able to meet every month or so as we live in different cities and both lead very busy lives. This situation is causing me tremendous anxiety – so much so that it could irrevocably affect our relationship – especially as there is no clear date as to when we’ll be able to live in the same area again.
I love him and truly believe this is a relationship worth fighting for. What can we do to improve our situation?
It’s really good news that you get on so well when you’re together; you’d be surprised how often couples get on better the more often they’re apart. It’s also really good you are prepared to work at the relationship.
I went to UKCP-registered psychotherapist Tamara Sears, who said: “My first thought was how young you are. I wonder if it is difficult to let go of each other even though life is pulling you in different directions, because of the intensity of emotions we often feel when we’re younger.”
This may mean that what’s an ordinary “ticking along” of a mature relationship feels like stagnation to you after the early intoxicating days. A year is not long into a relationship and it might have gone into a similar stage anyway. But here you’ve got the headiness of reconnecting compared with what sounds like a certain flatness of being apart – extremes that compare unfavourably.
I wonder what it is about communicating over text and calls that feels difficult? What changes when you’re together? Because if this relationship is to flourish there will be times when you’re apart and effective communication has to take place across various mediums.
It may not be sexy but are you scheduling these conversations at times you are both free to speak, and neither is in a rush or doesn’t feel they can talk openly and warmly?
Sometimes people (not just in romantic relationships but also in friendships) put an enormous amount of time and effort into in-person meetings but feel that phone calls will take care of themselves. And, as you’re seeing, if that isn’t happening then extra effort needs to go into them.
“If texts and phone calls are of no use, then a video call may be a good substitute. But it can also be useful,” suggested Sears, “to work together towards a combined future. For example: ‘We have to commit to being in the same place in X months time so we have to figure out a way to work towards that. Having a shared goal is bonding. Without a clear commitment to each other about maintaining each other’s reasonable needs so the relationship can flourish, there is little to connect you both.’”
I have to ask if you and your boyfriend have talked about this, and if this is as equally important to him; this is the first paradoxical bedrock of communication – being able to talk about when you can’t communicate. “It’s important,” says Sears “to have the difficult conversations about what you both need.”
Even if you do surmount this hurdle – and there’s no reason why you won’t – there will be times in the relationship you do need to have difficult conversations, so this is good practice.
I hope you are also enjoying the bits in between seeing your boyfriend, as in some ways a long distance relationship can enable people to have the best of both worlds. I also wondered about your “tremendous anxiety” manifesting here in the potential break up of your relationship. Romantic relationships are one leg in the table of life. They cannot be everything. At the other corners we have friends, family and enrichment of our minds. How are those going and how much energy do you invest in them?
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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