I’m a 26-year-old man with a stable job, a stable relationship and a stable life. Despite that, I revel in the idea of doing something wild and running away from it all.

A few months ago, I joined a dating site using someone else’s photos. I had great conversations with a variety of people, all far more interesting than my partner. Previously when I have been on that site using pictures of myself, I haven’t had half the attention this other person’s photographs received, so I feel a bit lost. Am I just ugly?

I haven’t felt joy in the way I did receiving hundreds of messages from potential suitors since I don’t know when. I felt like all the praise for my looks, nature and personality were directed at me, not this character I had created.

I talked extensively with a few people, though of course couldn’t meet them or the game would be up. After a while I deleted the account and thought I was done with it, but the memories are still there. I know these people probably wouldn’t like me as me, but I feel trapped in my current relationship. How can I move on or end things without revealing the truth?

When someone uses the adjective stable three times in one sentence, I deduce they feel anything but. There seems to be a chasm between how you really feel and how you think you should feel. I wonder if what you have – the job, the life, the relationship – is what you grew up thinking were things to achieve, when inside, something is screaming.

There’s no getting round the fact that you have been deceiving a great many people, including your partner, not to mention using someone else’s photograph, which is a violation.

But, of course, the biggest deception is to yourself. Do you feel ugly? Photographs aren’t great at showing spirit, drive, appeal. They simply show a face, maybe a body. A bit like an estate agent’s pictures can’t ever really explain how a house feels. But it’s worth pointing out that, although you were hiding behind someone else’s looks, the words and interactions – what people carried on responding to – were all you.

I consulted psychoanalyst Stephen Blumenthal, who agreed that underneath the claims of how stable everything is “instability doesn’t seem far from the surface”. He also said that in his experience men are “more likely to express their problems in actions rather than words”. So you’re dissatisfied, and instead of talking about it you’re acting out.

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I don’t know your partner or how interesting he or she is, but it’s obvious you’re unhappy – wouldn’t it be fair to let them know, at the very least, that this relationship isn’t working for you so that they can be free to find someone who does find them interesting? Perhaps your partner feels the same about you.

Blumenthal also said: “In lying, you tell the truth, because you reveal something about yourself. It’s revealing when you say you know these people wouldn’t like you as you – as you find something about yourself unbearable. The excitement of deceiving other people is a way of concealing just how lacking in self-esteem you appear to be. The anonymity seems to have allowed you to create a side of you that’s not usually allowed expression.”

Often people lie for material gain but here, Blumenthal felt “validation was your currency”.

When people create this distance in order to play at being someone else it’s very often because they fear intimacy and want control. You can’t get intimate with someone when they don’t know who you really are. Blumenthal also wondered if, as a child, you could get affection only by “being something you weren’t”.

I was left wondering if this might be about your sexuality, and whether the people you were attracting online were of a different gender from your partner.

You may yet find a more creative and honest outlet for this other you. But, for now, you do need to talk to your partner. You don’t need to tell them everything – I understand that may be tricky – but you’re clearly not happy, and they need to know that so that they can make choices. A big question for you to think on is: what are you running away from? It’s only by identifying that that you will know where to run to.

Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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