I am a 76-year-old widower. I lost my wife eight years ago and my daughter moved out two years ago, so I now live alone.
I have a reasonable social life and a number of interests. For about two years I appear to have been plagued by intrusive thoughts. It seems that the nature of these thoughts is that I would cause harm to someone. I have had a fear of using knives or hurting a loved one. I am not sure why they persist. I am not an aggressive person.
Thankfully, I have always been in total control, but if you could give me some advice as to how to lessen the impact of these thoughts on my life I would be most grateful.
I’m glad you wrote in, and I’m very sorry to hear about your wife. Eight years ago may seem a long time ago, but in emotional terms it’s not very long at all. It’s interesting that your intrusive thoughts seem to have coincided with your daughter leaving home.
Intrusive thoughts, that is to say thoughts that come into our head that we don’t want, are fairly normal. They can vary from imagining things we don’t want (bad things happening to those we love or ourselves) to thoughts of “what if”: what if I did this to myself or to someone else. I have them sometimes – I first got them when I became a mother and the responsibility of it all overwhelmed me. I still get them.
What we think, and what we do, are very different things. Of course, intrusive thoughts can be a symptom of other mental health disorders, and some people act on them, but I don’t think that’s what’s happening here.
I consulted two specialists this week. UKCP-registered psychotherapist Joanna Willow and BPS registered psychologist Dr Harriet Garrod both have experience in this field. Neither thought that, on the evidence of what you’ve said, there was anything untoward for you to worry about. I hope that makes you feel a little better. However, obviously you’d rather not have them.
What we thought might be happening is that, as a result of living on your own, your thoughts and feelings, instead of having an outlet, are being turned inwards. I sometimes think of strong feelings as a bottle of cordial, silly though it may sound. If you keep them bottled up, what you have is a very strong and undrinkable mixture. But if you share those feelings with friends, they become diluted and far more palatable. Am I the first person you’ve told about these feelings?
I asked why we might get these thoughts. Willow said: “Intrusive feelings tend to be fear-based, often when we’re stressed.” According to Dr Garrod, “Sometimes they can come from a place of unprocessed distress, or trauma.”
We thought the perfect storm of your wife dying and then your daughter leaving may have caused these feelings. You may feel sad, angry, lonely or any manner of other emotions, and you may think you’re not “allowed” to have these feelings, so they come out in these thoughts. Your letter sounded like you were a good man who has never hurt anyone and maybe these powerful emotions scare you.
What to do? Both my specialists thought you could note down when you have these thoughts and what triggers them. Dr Garrod suggested “writing down the trigger and what it means, and then using that to help you process. Then try to look at what positive memories you could create from that.”
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For example, if you imagine wanting to hurt someone, instead of running away from that feeling, think: “Why do I want to hurt someone? What emotion do I feel?” Let’s say it’s anger. Could you then think of a happy memory that you had with your wife to almost try to rewire the process? “I’m angry because I really love my wife and now I miss her.” It sounds simplistic but it can work.
You’d benefit from talking to someone. Although I’ve put some links below, it could also be to a friend or your daughter. I’m guessing you might not want to because you find these thoughts frightening. But as Willow says: “These thoughts don’t say anything about who you are – but if you could find a way to alleviate the stress and anxiety … it might stop the cycle.”
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I asked both my specialists when to worry about intrusive thoughts and the answer is when things become impulsive instead of being just a thought, ie you have a real compulsion to do something and your “wise/rational brain” can’t interject and/or when you start planning to do something.
I think it might also be helpful to talk to your GP and see if you can get some counselling.
Every week Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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