The dilemma Although I only look about 30, I am about to turn 40 and I am worried I am going to self-destruct. The real issue, though, is that turning 40 feels like doors are about to close. Professionally, I am successful. I do a hard, responsible job. I know I am good at what I do. The “but” is that I am single. I have never had any children and the only romantic relationship I have had in the past decade was with someone who would not commit to me. I can’t countenance internet dating; that’s not a value judgment on what anyone else wants to do, but it isn’t for me. I feel like I am open to meeting people, but having lost the most recent years of my life to the pandemic, the scope of possibilities for this seems minuscule.

I have always had an issue with wanting something without knowing the particulars. I was never a child who “dreamed” of a wedding. If I met someone I liked, I might want to date them, but all through my early adulthood when my peers wanted a boyfriend, I don’t remember sharing their thought process – unless we were talking about a specific person. Similarly, the question, “Do you want children?” and even “Do you want a partner?” is unanswerable to me unless I know the circumstances.

I have good close friends who have been in my life a long time. They say I lack confidence in my value outside work. They’re probably right. If I stop and think about this particular birthday for too long, I can feel the panic rising inside me like a tidal wave and I don’t know what I can do to reframe it. I feel I am being pushed backwards into a very dark corner.

Philippa’s answer Every birthday with a zero can feel like a threshold, but for a woman, 40 is of special significance, because there is still a chance you have time to give yourself that lifelong relationship and life-changing commitment that is a baby – but that time has almost run out. You have made it clear you don’t hanker after non-specific concepts, like a boyfriend or a child. You don’t do internet dating and it sounds as if you don’t do valuing yourself unless it’s in terms of something tangible like your productivity. These beliefs about who you are have led you to a dead end or, as you put it, a dark corner. But it’s OK, because it is you who is doing the pushing, so you can get yourself out of that corner. Put aside any pride you have in your logic and instead dare to dream.

You mentioned being single in a way you don’t sound happy with. Listen to that. The body does not speak in so many words, but it will give you feelings like, “I am going to self-destruct.” It is normal to feel like that when you are not being listened to. And with the logical side of your mind you are going around in circles – it’s time to quieten the mind and listen to the body.

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When we have wishes, hopes and dreams, we make ourselves vulnerable, because we want something that isn’t fully in our control. You have a lot of responsibility at work, you probably do control well. But allowing yourself to want or to yearn, or openly announce, “I want a…” would mean that you are not in control of how the universe answers that prayer. This is the position you are not daring to get into and that is why you are stuck. Your strength feels brittle to me, as if it comes from ideas past their use-by date. Sometimes philosophies, ideas and defences that served us well in our earliest environment can hold us back – or even sabotage us – in the present.

What is this something your body is yearning for that you won’t allow yourself to articulate? Is it fear that is stopping you actively looking for a partner through internet dating? Do you have fears about being a parent or a single parent? Is it time for you to not see weakness in uncertainty and vulnerability but, instead, strength? And will this new sort of strength get you through this next stage in your life? I think that is the reframe you need. You – and, indeed, all of us – need to know what it is we are feeling. From that, we can work out what it is we want, and after that we need to go for it. It’s OK if we are afraid to, we don’t have to let fear stop us striving for what we want.

You have close friends, but if you hadn’t, you would have a vacancy for friends, you would have a non-specific need for friends. You would need to feel seen, understood, entertained, wanted, valued, comforted by people. Your non-specific need now sounds to me like you need to make a decision with your heart as well as your head, before biology makes it for you, about whether or not to try for a baby either with a partner, a baby-father or a sperm bank, and to put aside your out-of-date philosophy about non-specific need, which has trapped you into that dark corner.

Recommended read Daring Greatly by Brené Brown

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