If you see things progressing with someone cool, open up when you feel comfortable. You might decide when that is by asking yourself if your life will be better (and safer)—and your new relationship more fulfilling—if the person you’re dating knows your health status, Dr. Gallagher adds. For example: Maybe you know they’re an active traveler, so revealing your immunocompromised status could help you plan safe trips together because you’re on the same page about taking necessary precautions.
Set whatever tone feels right when you do have the talk.
When you’re telling someone about your health, you’re in control of establishing the vibe, Dr. Gallagher says. Whatever your situation is, you don’t have to downplay it if you don’t want to—and you also don’t have to treat it like it defines you in full. “If [your health condition] is really impacting you, and it might impact the kind of relationship you want and what you can give, it’s important to say that,” she says. “But if you’re in remission and it’s not life-altering, it’s OK to say that, too.”
However you want to tackle it, make sure you’re prioritizing what you really need, rather than trying to put the other person at ease first or worrying about scaring them off. That can backfire later on, Aaron P. Brinen, PsyD, assistant professor of Psychiatry & Behavioral Sciences at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, tells SELF. “Many times, we can try to use lighter language or euphemisms to describe the severity. When the partner [goes on to] treat it casually because they don’t grasp the severity, we [may feel] hurt,” he says.
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Dr. Gallagher offers this example for how you might introduce the topic: “I wanted to share with you that I have a health condition that puts me at risk for getting sicker than most people if I pick something up. So, it can be tricky to go to crowded indoor places or to be around people who are obviously ill.” If you want, you can include the context that you’re not just nixing invites out of nowhere—you might go on to let them know how much you want to hang, or how uneasy crowded, cramped spaces make you feel. From there, you can both allow the dialogue, including any questions you might have for each other, to flow.
Go through the specifics of what you can and can’t do.
When you’re immunocompromised, Dr. Gallagher says that you shouldn’t feel bad for being transparent about what a healthy relationship looks like for you. “The more you’re open about your needs, the more you can get them met,” she says. Basically: Being direct with someone you like is a good way to help them be there for you.
Kara Wada, MD, an allergist and immunologist at The Ohio State University Wexner Medical Center, tells SELF that communicating how you need to protect yourself might mean explaining some scenarios ahead of time. For instance, if your new partner’s roommate has an infection, you won’t be able to meet up at their place until they’re 100% healthy again, even if they’re taking space from each other and not interacting. Ditto if they are otherwise around others who are sick: You can acknowledge that it’s not realistic to expect someone to isolate themselves from other people if they’re going to be around you, but you can ask them to let you know if they were around someone who was sick before you get together, Dr. Gallagher says.
