It’s possible that just about everything you thought was true about having great sex in a long-term relationship is a myth.
That one about how it’s always so much better at the beginning? Wrong.
And the idea that you can ‘rediscover the spark’ by getting spontaneous or introducing kinky role play?
Not true either. So you can take that sexy nurse’s uniform back to the store.
In fact, sex educator Emily Nagoski was so blown away by her own discovery of what really constitutes a long-term erotic connection between couples that she decided to tackle this most misunderstood of subjects in her latest book, Come Together.
Read on to discover the eight myths about long-lasting, satisfying sex that she says are most commonly believed.
It’s a common misconception that sex is great at the start of a relationship, then fizzles out as we lose the ‘spark’
Keeping the spark alive
‘We’re told it’s all passion and “spark” early in a relationship, and that lasts a couple of years maybe; then we have kids or buy a fixer-upper house or generally get busy with work and life, and the spark fizzles out, especially after 50, when apparently every hormone we ever had floats away on a sea of aging and we’re left, sexless and neutered, to hold hands at sunset.’
The options, says Nagoski, are to either accept the inevitable fizzling of our desires, or to fight against it to keep the spark alive.
The concept is completely wrong, she says, because it places the imperative on desire and passion – that out-of-the-blue craving – instead of pleasure.
She says: ‘Great sex over the long term isn’t about how often you do it or where you do it or with whom or in what positions or how many orgasms you have or even how enthusiastically you anticipate sex, but how much you like the sex you are having.’
Angry sex is great sex
This often-repeated trope appears in pop culture across the centuries – we see you Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen, as you lock lips in 2005’s Pride & Prejudice almost immediately after she’s finished listing all the ways she hates you.
Or Keri Russell and Rufus Sewell in Netflix’s The Diplomat – whose only sex seems to be of the angry or transactional variety.
Keira Knightley and Matthew Macfadyen in 2005’s Pride & Prejudice epitomize the dangerous trope that angry sex is good sex
The sex in Netflix’s The Diplomat, between Keri Russell and Rufus Sewell, is generally of the angry or transactional variety
‘We are often taught that rage and lust are closely linked and maybe even belong together,’ says Nagoski. ‘It’s a lie.’
Are there times when rage and lust can co-exist? Sure, she says. But never in a healthy, functional long-term sexual connection.
‘Please, let’s retire the “angry sex” narrative and replace it with playful sex. So much better for all of us.’
It has to be spontaneous
It’s a myth that wanting and liking sex should happen easily, instantly and in any context, says Nagoski – that the ‘natural’ way to have sex is for it to be spontaneously borne of mutual horniness.
We’re also led to believe that, if our partner doesn’t just want us, without effort or preparation, on a regular basis, there’s something wrong with them (or us).
However, so-called ‘spontaneous desire’ is not associated with great sex in the long term. Rather it’s in ‘responsive desire’ – which often shows up as scheduled sex – that couples hit the jackpot.
Spontaneous sex – when you’re both overcome with mutual horniness – is fun, but is not associated with great sex in the long term
In responsive desire – rather than spontaneous desire – touch can bring the body to life
‘Here you plan ahead, prepare, groom, get a babysitter, and then you show up. You put your body in the bed, you let your skin touch your partner’s skin, and your body wakes up!
‘Responsive desire. Not “passion,” not “spark,” but pleasure, trust, and mutuality. That’s the fundamental empirical reason to center pleasure over spark.’
The more you have, the better it is
There is very little relationship between frequency of sex and sexual or relationship satisfaction, says Nagoski. In fact, contrary to what you might believe, hardly any of us are having sex nearly as often as we claim we are – we’re all too busy.
And she refuses to enter the debate about how often is ‘normal’.
‘What does the sexual frequency of the couples who participated in that research have to do with you, your relationship, or this season in your life?’ she asks.
Nothing.
And everyone experiences dry spells – the author included. So if you’re having one, that’s entirely normal too.
People who cuddle after sex report a much higher relationship satisfaction
You can’t get addiction to your vibrator – but it could ruin you for sex with humans
It’s about novelty and adventure
Neither orgasms, positions, nor variety of behaviors defines great sex in long-term relationships.
In fact, if there’s one ‘sexual behavior’ that predicts sex and relationship satisfaction better than any other, it’s cuddling after sex.
Yes, good, old-fashioned spooning.
‘Wildly original sex might be enjoyable for you (or it might not), but it is not what makes for a satisfying long-term sex life for most people,’ she says.
You can get addicted to a vibrator
Not true, though you can get ‘spoiled’ by one. That’s because, if you orgasm much faster with a sex toy, that speed is likely to reset your expectations when you’re with a human.
That can lead to frustration that it’s ‘taking too long’.
Now you’re in a vicious circle – because that frustration won’t make it any easier to come. In fact, you’ve just hit the brakes on your orgasm.
Hotter people have better sex
‘People think it’s attractiveness, being conventionally good-looking, or it’s having a perfect body.
‘The reality is your body is lovable right now, and your health can’t be measured on a scale. You were lied to. And the changes we experience with age are the fascinating prize we win for being lucky enough to grow older.’
It’s about skills
The idea of a ‘skilled’ lover is a myth, says Nagoski. ‘Unless you’re trying technically demanding BDSM practice like breath play, the only “skill” you need is the ability to pay attention to your partner and to your own internal experience at the same time.’
That, and communication.
And when communication fails, try play.
‘Even in my relationship with – confident hair flip – genuinely superb communication, we can’t always reach each other,’ says Nagoski. ‘But there’s something we always do right: We can laugh at us.’
Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski is published by Ballantine Books
