Motherhood has changed my wife’s body – and I’m no longer attracted to her

I’m 39 and have been married to my wife for 10 years. We have a four-year-old and another baby on the way. I love her very much, but ageing and being a mother has taken its toll on her body. I struggle to feel sexually attracted to her, even though I think she is beautiful. On some occasions, I’ve failed to get an erection when we have tried to make love, and she gets angry and frustrated with me. Despite trying, we have not had sex since she became pregnant with our second child, as I can’t manage it. I don’t know what I can do to get the spark back but I worry for our marriage.

Thank you for your frankness. Many people will find what you have written deeply abhorrent, but, in fact, what you have said illustrates something that many men experience but are afraid to express. It is an unpleasant and unpalatable fact that any change in a partner’s appearance – particularly for those who are visually attuned – can cause a shift in physical attraction.

More importantly, the psychological shift that can occur when a man begins to see his spouse primarily as a mother, rather than a lover, can be devastating to him. He can experience this as a profound loss (sometimes leading to depression) and it can also evoke familial feelings that unconsciously connect with the taboo of incest and quite naturally shut down erotic interest.

As a couple it would be useful for you to find ways to reawaken your romantic bond. I don’t mean sexually necessarily, but rather to engage in activities that remind you of your courtship. This could mean finding time to have fun by yourselves in situations reminiscent of the days when you were falling in love. Consider this an important time, when you, as a man, need to rise to the challenge of achieving enhanced maturity, of being patient and helpful, and of recognising and respecting the life stages you are both entering. Do not put performance pressure on yourself, or her, to achieve great sex at this time; most likely it will all be resolved once you both do not have to be so focused on child rearing.

• If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to [email protected] (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.