I have been afflicted by shame and guilt, leading to anxiety and very low self-esteem, all my life. Whenever I find myself in conflict initiated by another person, I am so overcome by guilt and the feeling that I must be in the wrong, that I cannot think clearly. This prevents me being able to work out at the time, whether I have actually done something wrong that requires me to address the issue, or that the other person is being unreasonable. It is not until I have had time to process what has happened, that I can understand what has occurred. By then, the moment has gone.
If I do try to raise an issue of potential conflict with another person, I almost always do it in writing. I find that this way I can take time to express myself clearly. But where conflict arises on the spot, this is not an option.
Because I try to avoid conflict, the situation does not often arise. However, this is often due to the fact that I let issues that I should address go. I find my inability to manage conflict and my feelings of guilt and shame are causing me to withdraw from life and become reclusive.
So many people tell me they fear conflict but often it’s not so much the conflict on its own that’s feared, but confronting someone you think can’t handle it. In this respect we anticipate trouble. And this usually goes back to a pattern learned very young in life, of having to be hyper vigilant of someone else’s reaction. When you layer in guilt and shame, it becomes “very, very paralysing” says psychotherapist, director of the Oxford Process and a specialist in conflict resolution, Gabrielle Rifkind.
“We all,” says Rifkind “have these inner demons that are blaming and shaming us. What we need to do is make sense of where they came from.”
You may be experiencing this, points out Rifkind, because “significant people told you that you weren’t good enough and were to blame and now this comes up every time there’s a conflict”. I wonder if you could try to work out who these significant people might be? “If you could identify who some of these voices were,” says Rifkind, “they might not have the same power or control over you.”
Rifkind and I both liked that you know you communicate best by email. This is sensible and absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. Many people find it better to reflect and have control over what is said. That one-way “conversation” can also feel safer because you only have to take responsibility for what you say, and not the other person’s reaction, which I think is the thing you may be susceptible to. So email has its place but it can’t be a substitute for all human interaction.
“Conflict is very normal,” says Rifkind, “but many people have difficulty with it and often avoid it or make it worse, by rubbing salt in the wound. We can usually progress, when we have time to think and find a language to communicate that the other person can hear.”
So we think that finding the root of this “shame and guilt” and fear of conflict is a really good idea to help you move forward. But in the moment here are some tips.
Rifkind suggested some tactics to try next time this happens: “You could say something like ‘I’m not sure if I’m comfortable with this, can we talk about it later?’”, to give you time to reflect on what’s happening and calm your nervous system down so you’re not as reactive.
Small silences are a great tool in confrontation. Don’t be afraid to use them to buy yourself some thinking time. Also, a great phrase is “what do you mean by that?” which can encourage both of you to think cognitively rather than reactively.
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We often want to lash out, or run away, if we find conflict uncomfortable. With time, you could try to work out what’s your stuff and what’s theirs: you can only take responsibility for your own behaviour and not anyone else’s.
Further resources:
Gabrielle Rifkind and I did a podcast on conflict management.
You might also find a podcast I did on shame helpful.
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