I have a friend who has experienced a truly awful year with her husband. They have been put through it and are now in high levels of medical debt. They have a nice lifestyle which they finance with credit card debt. My partner and I generally have a much easier life than they do, but money has been a little tight for us too recently. I have had to cancel trips and say no to eating out because my partner recently lost his job and we simply don’t have the income right now.
I always feel very awkward about this as our financial situation is undoubtedly easier than theirs, and I am not at all comfortable with taking on debt. When I recently cancelled a trip we had planned with them they made comments like “just put it on a credit card!” and were not very happy. I don’t want to claim our situation is anywhere near theirs and I want to show my love and support for them, but I equally don’t want to take on debt to keep up with activities they want to do. Can you help?
I’m sorry your friends have been “through it” and that your husband lost his job. It sounds like you both have a lot to deal with. You didn’t mention how long you’d been friends but I wonder if this is a new thing and perhaps your friends, rightly or wrongly, want to live life a little after a medical scare?
I went to UKCP registered psychotherapist Lisa Bruton. We both spoke about how there is often a culture whereby people allude to money but don’t directly talk about it. And this is often because money can stand in for other things in relationships (love, status, attention etc). Bruton said that “ideally friendships can survive transitions and changes in circumstances and it sounds like your friendship is going through a bit of a transition.”
She also explained that in friendships and relationships “we have to allow for differences. Your friends seem happy to build up debt while continuing to have experiences but you feel differently to them. It’s not about either of you becoming more like the other, but allowing for those differences.”
But we also wondered what else was at the heart of this. Bruton wondered if this might be “not just about behaviours but a clash of values?”
The debt isn’t yours, and debt isn’t catching unless, if you pardon the pun, you also buy into it. What does debt mean to you? Are you worried that they might ask to borrow money? Or that their ability to put things on credit cards says something else about them?
“Or,” says Bruton, “maybe there’s some guilt about having different circumstances, because you feel that you have an easier time of things.” Guilt stops us behaving confidently and speaking freely; but guilt is often us doing the work for other people.
I wondered if, in saying that you refuse to put things on credit cards, you are worried that it sounds a bit judgmental about what they’re doing? I think as long as you are kind, and fairly neutral, whatever response they give is their responsibility, you can’t pre-empt it. If they’re not very happy with you not wanting to put things on credit cards then that’s them not being very supportive. I think it’s good you’ve been honest so far about why you weren’t able to do things – rather than making up other excuses – because then they know what they’re dealing with.
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Bruton also wondered if there were other things you could do, that didn’t involve so much money, or indeed any money at all. Or at the very least a way you could control the expenditure more easily. When I was very broke, going out to eat, as one example, was a nightmare as it was almost impossible to budget. Even if I restricted what I ate or drank there was that dreaded “let’s split the bill” at the end of the night and I’d end up supplementing others. So, I’d have people round to mine as that way I could budget.
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Also remember that “love and support” says Bruton, “doesn’t have to mean spending money. It feels like, to you, showing love and support means mirroring behaviour.” But it doesn’t have to, and in fact that’s not what friendship is about.
Every week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to [email protected]. Annalisa regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.
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