NRL star Sam Thaiday has opened up about struggle with depression and how his suicidal thoughts were so bad he considered ending his life.
The 35-year-old managed to hide his battle throughout his 16-year career with the Brisbane Broncos, and has only now revealed what he was going through.
After being diagnosed with dyslexia as a young child and sent to a special education school to learn English at 12, Thaiday began to seriously question his self-worth.
NRL star Sam Thaiday (pictured with his wife Rachel and daughters Gracie and Ellsie) has opened up about struggle with depression and how his suicidal thoughts were so bad he considered ending his life
After being diagnosed with dyslexia as a young child and sent to a special education department to learn English at 12, Thaiday began to seriously question his self-worth (pictured with his wife Rachel)
In a new We Are Human podcast, Thaiday explained how the learning disability caused him to spiral into a deep depression and develop suicidal thoughts.
‘I felt like turning left and bolting… I felt dumb and worthless and thinking “what is wrong with me?”‘ Thaiday said on the podcast alongside his wife Rachel.
Feeling such low self-worth, Thaiday said he rebelled and ‘pushed back’ while trying to hide behind a facade of humour.
‘I hid behind comedy and humour and being the big loveable Sam but inside I fell apart,’ he admitted.
‘I still s**t myself when I have to read something in front of people. I hate live reads on radio because I don’t want to stuff it up and people think I am dumb.’
When he was just 15 things were so bad he considered taking his own life, even standing metres from a dam he imagined jumping into.
‘I got home from school and got my footy and told mum I was just going to kick it at the park but instead of going to the park I rode to the dam and there was a hole in the fence and I sat there quietly… blank,’ Thaiday said.
‘I did not care for much at that time. It did not matter whether I fell or I jumped.’
NRL great Sam Thaiday (pictured with his wife, Rachel) has opened up about his long battle with depression sparked by a learning disability that saw him almost jump to his death into a dam
The 35-year-old managed to hide his battle throughout his 16-year career with the Brisbane Broncos and has only now revealed what he was really going through
In a groundbreaking new We Are Human podcast Thaiday explained how the learning disability caused him to spiral into a deep depression and develop suicidal thoughts
At the time, Thaiday convinced himself ‘no one would care’ if he jumped and that no one would look for him.
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The father-of-two kept the experience a secret for almost 20 years until he recently visited Brisbane therapist Cynthia Morton.
Since seeking help Thaiday chose to make his experience public in the hopes of helping other young people experiencing the same challenges.
He said he left therapy feeling ‘motivated to tell people’ his story.
‘On some days I am super confused with what I want to do with my life but it is also good I can see that struggle now and I know what to do with it,’ Thaiday said.
‘It is an opportunity to grow and move and break that cycle.’
At the time Thaiday (pictured in 208 in his last NRL match with daughters Gracie and Ellsie) convinced himself ‘no one would care’ if he jumped and that no one would look for him
The father-of-two kept the experience a secret for almost 20 years until he recently visited Brisbane therapist, Cynthia Morton
Even now as a married father-of-two, Thaiday still has moments where he doubts himself.
‘Self doubt is the loudest voice in your head. That kind of was an ongoing thing throughout my whole life,’ he said.
Thaiday also revealed that he suffered severe anxiety and confusion about being mixed race, saying ‘he was too black to be white and too white to be black.’
He describes himself as having a mixed background as the son of a Torres Strait Islander father and ‘white Australian (mother) who has always questioned when she has Indigenous background’.
Even in retirement Thaiday faces some major insecurities, mostly questioning what he should be doing next.
‘We are taught to be gladiators – have your shield and sword and hide behind it if you need to,’ he said.
‘It is so hard when you are in an environment where you sacrifice so much for the success of something it becomes a massive part of your life.’
‘When it stops and ends, you question yourself and who you are without that.’
Sam Thaiday is seen with wife Rachel and daughters Gracie and Ellsie following the Elimination Final between the Brisbane Broncos and the St George-Illawarra Dragons in 2018
Source: Daily Mail
