When it comes to time between the sheets, quality beats quantity every time.
Award-winning psychologist Dr Candice Nicole Hargons, who has researched sexual behavior for decades, said it’s not how long you’re having sex for that matters.
What’s important is how good the sex is while you’re having it.
Sexual experiences should be both pleasurable and satisfying – criteria that at first glance seem interchangeable. Pleasure is the enjoyment felt in the moment, while satisfaction is the overall sense of fulfillment with one’s sex life.
Couples may have a specific expectation of how often they should be having sex – whether it’s a few times per week or even daily. If their actual sexual activity falls short of this expectation, they may feel dissatisfied with their sex life, even if they get pleasure from it when it does happen.
The average couple has sex once a week, but, Dr Hargons said, ‘the relationship between sexual frequency and satisfaction is like a bell curve — there’s a threshold where, beyond more than once per week, sex doesn’t equal more satisfaction in the relationship or otherwise.’
A longer time in bed doesn’t necessarily mean greater satisfaction, either.
While many wax poetic about all-night lovemaking sessions, a nationally representative study found men and women reported spending an average of 24 minutes on sex.
Award-winning psychologist and sexologist Dr Candice Nicole Hargons explains the link between how often couples have sex and their satisfaction is shaped like a bell curve — there’s a point where having sex more than once a week doesn’t lead to greater satisfaction in the relationship or elsewhere
Broken down further, women, on average, find 27 minutes to be the optimal duration for sexual experiences, whether it be oral, penetrative, or another form. Men prefer a slightly longer time in the bedroom at 33 minutes.
Dr Hargons said in her book: ‘The difference in preferences of men and women – longer duration vs shorter – could suggest shorter sexual encounters leave men feeling less satisfied, contrary to cultural recipes that suggest men prefer quickies, a la the wam-bam-thank you ma’am myth.’
To reach their desired time, many men seek ways to last longer in bed and there is a multi-billion-dollar pharmaceutical industry built on curing erectile dysfunction and exercises or sex toys to curtail premature ejaculation.
In her book Good Sex, Dr Hargons says men’s preference for longer sexual encounters suggests they may feel less satisfied with shorter ones
In a Reddit post under the thread AskMen, one user asked, ‘Why do guys try to make sex last for so long?’
The poster said: ‘I really just want to have an orgasm and relish in my little body high. But it is impossible, because after I’m done, they hold it for at least 30 more minutes, or “put it off so long, and now can’t.”
‘So instead of enjoying my orgasm, I have to be selfless, and sit there for an hour and can’t walk or even think about masturbating for a couple of days because I’m so raw.
‘I have never met another female who enjoyed sex lasting this long, and I used to end up faking several times to try to get them off.’
When the responses rolled in, they mostly echoed one man’s sentiment, which said: ‘Because (especially in movies and sitcoms) women constantly complain/insult men about finishing quickly.’
Men are vigilant of potential disappointment that follows a premature ejaculation, as it generally means the woman in the equation has not been satisfied. One man said they are ‘scared of being laughed at’ and are ‘just avoiding ego damage.’
While many wax poetic about all-night lovemaking sessions, a nationally representative study found men and women reported spending an average of 24 minutes for sexual experiences
But while extended sex sessions may be touted as ideal in movies or TV, sex therapists say a shorter romp is better.
Penn State Erie researchers Eric Corty and Jenay Guardiani surveyed 50 experts from the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, with 34 responding. These professionals, including psychologists and physicians, rated ideal intercourse durations.
They considered three to seven minutes ‘adequate,’ seven to 13 minutes ‘desirable,’ one to two minutes ‘too short,’ and 10 to 30 minutes ‘too long.’
And women will sometimes even fake orgasms in an effort to wrap sex up faster.
Research by Dr Debbie Herbenick, one of the foremost experts on sexual behavior, had found 57 percent of women surveyed faked an orgasm because they wanted to make their partner feel good, about 45 percent because they were tired and wanted sex to end, and nearly 38 percent who said they liked the person and didn’t want them to feel bad.
Dr Hargons, who cites Dr Herbenick’s research in her book, said: ‘Research suggests cis women’s reasons for faking orgasm are related to their attachment styles, with avoidant attachment faking to end the sexual experience faster and anxious attachment faking to boost their partner’s self-esteem.
‘In their most recent sexual experience, less than one percent of men and around seven percent of women reported faking an orgasm.’
At the same time, men may be trying to ‘last longer’ in service to their partners – believing that with enough time, she’s bound to have an orgasm.
Women’s time to orgasm is typically ‘substantially longer’ than men’s, according to a study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine. The average time to orgasm was on average 14 minutes, though could take as long as 40 minutes.
For men, studies have shown, on average, it takes about five minutes from penetration to ejaculation. Most men fall within two to three minutes of that average.
What many men believe is premature ejaculation is actually within the range of what is normal.
Women are far less likely than men to reach orgasm through penetrative sex. About 18 percent of women can climax from vaginal intercourse, while 36 percent reported that clitoral stimulation was key to achieving an orgasm.
Talking openly about sex and focusing on foreplay can help women experience orgasms more easily.
However, factors like sexism, a lack of proper sexual education, and cultural emphasis on penetrative sex contribute to the difference in orgasm experiences between young heterosexual men and women, according to sexual behavior researchers at Indiana University.
They said: ‘These factors lead to disparities in pleasure-centric sexual behaviors, reinforcing the imbalance in orgasm rates. This bias might extend to sex education, in which male pleasure is emphasized more than female pleasure in heteronormative contexts.’
So while men may think that to last longer in the bedroom means a more pleasurable experience for their partner, research shows that other forms of sexual stimulation are far more effective and efficient.
