You’ve thought about if your partner is right for you. But have you thought about how they might be right for your future children?
Alan Kazdin, a Yale psychologist who studies child rearing, recently warned parents to be hyper aware of their own behavior among children.
In a forum organized by the American Psychological Association, he said the old adage ‘do as I say and not as I do’ is ‘ridiculous’, as kids are rife for copying.
As well as unknowingly encouraging bad behavior, psychologists say there are common signs that one partner will leave the other to pick up the slack once they start a family.
So how do you know what to wach out for, either in yourself or a potential life partner?
Below, DailyMail.com has compiled experts’ insight on the red flags that could indicate your betrothed might not be the best parent after all…
Developmental psychologists say some parental traits can be detrimental to the emotional health of children, as they copy unhealthy behavior.
They’re bad at setting boundaries
If your partner has a hard time setting boundaries with you or other people in their life, they could have trouble establishing them for their kids.
For instance, if your partner struggles to tell a friend when a joke has gone too far, or if they overshare personal information with strangers.
Research shows that failure to set boundaries with children can have a negative impact on a child’s emotional development.
Setting clear rules and enforcing them kindly will help your kids develop into an adult who respects other peoples boundaries and distinguish right from wrong, according to the US Centers for Disease Control.
Setting firm limits for your child is one of the key parts of being a good parent, licensed marriage and family therapist Carrie Krawiec told SheKnows. ‘A good parent is a healthy mix of warm and firm,’ Krawiec said.
They micromanage you and others
If you feel like your partner often dictates how you should complete tasks or go about your daily life, they could do the same to your kids.
And micromanaging is known to be harmful for development.
Stanford scientists found that children whose parents micromanaged them – as opposed to allowing room for them to make their own mistakes – had a harder time building cognitive and emotional skills. Children need guidance, but they also need the space to build their own skill sets, the paper detailed.
‘When parents let kids take the lead in their interactions, children practice self-regulation skills and build independence,’ Jelena Obradović, Professor from the Stanford graduate school of education, said in a university press release.
They don’t pull their weight with chores
Sharing chores is the third most important factor in a successful marriage, according to a 2016 Pew research poll. Chores ranked only behind having shared interests and a sexual relationship.
Modelling how to share chores for your children so that they are able to handle their own is a vital way of teaching them responsibility, author and educator Julie Lythcott-Haims wrote in her book, ‘How to Raise an Adult’.
‘Doing chores teaches a kid a work ethic. They learn to roll up their sleeves, pitch in, do the stuff that must be done, even the unpleasant stuff, in order to contribute to the greater whole. That’s what gets them ahead in the workplace,’ Lythcott-Haims wrote on her website.
Perhaps one of the most famous examples of a poor parental relationship is Homer Simpson in The Simpsons, who is aggressive and impatient with his son, Bart.
They feel emotions very intensely
From paper cuts to skinned knees, children need those who have a calming, neutral effect – no matter how stressful the circumstances.
If your partner is unable to calm themselves down, they might not be the best at helping your future child do so. Modelling a calm demeanor is crucial to helping kids develop into well adjusted adults, according to the American Psychological Association.
‘A good parent is one who has a more flexible approach to parenting in order to take into account each child’s individual temperament and personality,’ Racine Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said on SheKnows.
In addition, the emotions of a parent can rub off on a child, according to psychologist Sherrie Bourg Carter. So it’s important that the emotions your partner is letting off are reasonable.
‘Children raised by depressed parents are significantly more likely to be diagnosed with depression,’ Bourg Carter wrote for Psychology Today.
They struggle to relate to your feelings
Lacking empathy is a cornerstone trait of narcissistic personality disorder, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition, Text Revision.
Children raised by parents with this trait tend to have lower self-esteem, and problems developing healthy relationships, according to research from Smith College.
Empathy is a key skill for knowing how to best to comfort and communicate with children, psychologist Natalie Feinblatt told SheKnows.
One of the things good parents can do to comfort their child when they’re upset is to use their empathy to mirror them, Feinblatt said.
Mirroring ‘means reflecting back the feeling to the child so they know that they are seen and understood,’ she explained.
If a partner shows signs they can understand how you feel, it’s likely they’ll make an excellent parent, experts say.
