On that note, sexual compatibility is another possible point of contention. “People have radically different preferences when it comes to sex, in terms of how often they prefer to have it, the kinds of things they like to do, what they will and will not try, etc.,” Dr. Murphy says. Sexual chemistry isn’t the utmost priority to everyone, but still, you never want to feel pressured in the bedroom, nor do you want to feel shamed for any (harmless) kinks or fetishes you enjoy that someone else may not.
And of course, there are also just plain old lifestyle differences. Some early birds want to enjoy their daily routines with their partner, so someone who stays up late and rolls out of bed after noon probably won’t make the cut. Or perhaps you’re big on communication, but your fling is…not: They take hours to respond to your messages and can go days without speaking to you, leaving you confused, frustrated, and disappointed—all of which point to the fact that they’re not the one for you.
It’s also important to be on the same page about finances, Dr. Murphy adds, because tension is bound to brew if you prefer to save your money and your other half enjoys splurging and “treating themselves” regularly—credit card debt be damned!
How (and when) to talk about deal-breakers.
So you’ve done some self-reflection and established a list of your biggest deal-breakers. How do you then convey them to a potential lover or your current partner without scaring them away or coming across as “too picky”? Here are a few possible courses of action:
Lay out your deal-breakers at the start of the relationship, ideally.
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The idea of bringing up your non-negotiables can be nerve-racking—especially if your budding romance is fragile and new. But discussing them early on helps protect you from the future pain of discovering that you and this person don’t mesh after all. “It’s really about what your needs are,” Shanet Dennis, LMFT, a marriage and family therapist in New York, tells SELF. “And if you communicate that early on, you give the other person the option to choose to be a part of that or not.”
That might sound scary because it could raise thoughts of rejection and being alone. “But the reality is, if people know what they’re getting up-front and they choose to stay, then they’re getting the real you and not the representative,” Dennis says. Plus, if you choose to ignore something that’s important to you at the beginning of the relationship, you’ll likely find yourself feeling resentful and disappointed down the road.
If you’re dating online, one simple and drama-free way to introduce your deal-breakers is to add things like “must love cats” or “not interested in smokers” in your profile, Megan Fleming, PhD, a couples and sex therapist in New York, suggests. This can help weed out people who won’t be a good fit before you ever chat with them. Of course, a shopping list of must-haves and must-nots can also be off-putting (and make it pretty much impossible to find someone to date), so it’s a good idea to stick with the biggies and let some of the others—your desire to eventually move to the suburbs, maybe, or your career ambitions—come up naturally in conversation
If you already have a partner, it’s best to have a sit-down talk and discuss your boundaries together.
For people in a long-term relationship, discussing personal needs will likely be an ongoing process and may come up in response to certain situations, Dr. Murphy says. For instance, maybe your partner was always present and engaged on dates in the beginning, but now you can’t get through a meal together without them picking up their phone. If that wasn’t a boundary that you established early on, it’s worth bringing it up now—ideally, at a time when no one is particularly stressed or distracted—so that you’re both on the same page about what’s important to you.
