If you’ve found yourself in an exciting new relationship with a highly skilled lover who takes charge in the bedroom, you may feel you’ve won the jackpot.
But psychologists warn that you could be sharing your bed with a narcissist.
Narcissists want to be idealized and admired by others, which can make them extremely eager to please in the bedroom.
They typically take on the dominant role, preferring a position of power which can be exciting for the non-narcissist in the partnership.
Narcissists use sex as a means to seeks validation and admiration from their partner. They don’t take constructive criticism well, and typically care little about their partner’s needs
The narcissist can go from cold to white hot during a sexual encounter right back to cold when it ends, confusing and further devaluing their partner, so relationship experts urge people to pay attention to how their partners behave outside of sexual activities.
Dr Ramani Durvasula, a clinical psychologist and author, told USA Today: ‘Some people will say, ‘This relationship is a nightmare, but for the sex.” They’ll say, “Sex is great, but this person is horrible to me, and they’re callous and they’re cold and they’re dismissive and they’re un-empathic. But they’re really good in bed.”
‘Narcissistic people are very reward-sensitive: They like things that feel good, and they often don’t think about the consequences. So sex is the ultimate narcissist ground game.’
Oftentimes, the sex will also feel very performative with a ‘porn-y vibe’, according to Dr Durvasula.
She said: ‘It’s very, “Look at me” sex.’
They typically take on a dominant role in the bedroom because for them, sex is all about power and holding it over the other partner.
Narcissists crave validation, and performing well in bed is a means to get it.
But it does not mean they will take constructive criticism to improve in the future in order to get closer to their partner.
If one partner says, even respectfully, that they don’t like something the other narcissistic partner did, the latter may use that against them, with phrases like, ‘You never had a problem with it before’ or ‘I only did that because you’re not exciting enough’.
And the push and pull of a narcissist’s love affects the brain on a cellular level.
When an intimate partner gets close, the other’s brain triggers a surge of dopamine and oxytocin, leading to feelings of pleasure and intimacy.
But when the narcissist pulls away again, the other person can go into withdrawal of these chemicals, leading to feelings of anxiety and distress.
The constant ebbing and flowing of tenderness in a relationship can foster a traumatic bond typically seen between an abuser and their victim.
They’re not interested in genuine human connection, and may care about meeting their needs more than they do their partner’s needs.
Dr Durvasula said: ‘They use you when they need something and put you back on the shelf when they’re done.
‘This is why they can be hot and heavy one minute and completely neglectful the next, because it’s not about intimacy, it’s about control.’
