You’re lying in bed, your partner’s head is between your legs, and you’re not exactly going wild with pleasure. If only they realized that your clitoris is an inch higher than where they’re determinedly lapping away. Well, this is never going to happen, you might think. Do I just chill here until they’re bored, or…? Should I actually say something? Draw a diagram?
If you’re used to asking for what you want in bed, you might skip this mental back-and-forth and get right to it. In that case, please accept my virtual applause. But if you’re not there yet, that’s perfectly OK too. Maybe you’re at a loss for words when your partner asks what you need. Or maybe they haven’t explicitly asked, but you know you need to speak up if you’re ever going to have the sex you want. Either way, you’re in great company.
As a sex educator and coach, I’ve received countless emails from people who want something specific in bed but aren’t sure how to ask for it. The fears of being vulnerable or bruising a partner’s ego can be high-key overwhelming.
I’ve come to realize that telling your partner how you want to feel is sometimes just as good—or even better—than asking for a specific act.
You can be as broad as “I want to feel more wanted than ever” or as detailed as “I want to feel like my nipples are the center of your mouth’s universe.” Clients regularly tell me this strategy has helped them have a more satisfying time in bed. Below are the reasons why this simple approach can be highly effective.
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It can be a less daunting way to express your needs.
Straight-up saying something like, “hey, this isn’t working for me,” or “a little to the left” can feel intimidating. Expressing how you want to feel might be an easier way into the conversation.
A lot of us have shame about our sexual desires. Even if you know you want your partner to get a little rough, asking them to do so can feel scarier than bungee jumping—naked. If you’re looking for a more nuanced way to communicate your needs, talking about how you want to feel can be a good tactic.
This strategy can also come in handy if you’re totally fine with being direct in theory, but you’re nervous about hurting your partner’s feelings. Our egos are often wrapped up in our sexuality. It’s important to be gentle with our partners so that everyone can have a positive sexual experience. This goes both ways.
I want to be really clear about this, though: The goal here isn’t to be evasive about what you want in order to spare someone’s ego. As long as everything is consensual, you’re entitled to enjoy yourself as much as possible during sex. The point is that expressing how you want to feel might make this even easier, but it’s all about context. If you know the only way to get what you want is to spell it out without mincing words, go for it.
Source: SELF
