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Our weekly recognition of less-than-meritorious excellence in journalism worthy of a skewed version of Pulitzer Prize consideration.

As an extension of the media-mocking venture at Townhall, Riffed From The Headlines, we once again recognize the exalted performances in our journalism industry and compile worthy submissions for the Pulitzer Prize board in numerous categories. To properly recognize the low watermark in the press, let us get right to the latest exemplars of journalistic mis-excellence.

Distinguished Feature Writing
  • Ryan Lizza – Politico

It is not uncommon to read through certain news stories and arrive at the conclusion that journalists are on some kind of mind-altering products. Now, we have confirmation that this is actually the case. Ryan Lizza details that a new law in D.C. has decriminalized some products, and a number of journalists have elected to partake.

A lot of people here are availing themselves of D.C.’s unique decriminalization rules. Microdosing mushrooms as a kind of performance-enhancing brain boost — already wildly popular among the California tech set — is now fairly common in Washington, especially in media circles. Recreational use — macrodosing? — isn’t all that uncommon either.

Reporters are tripping? So much makes sense now.

Distinguished National Reporting

  • Ivana Shatara – AL.com

Shatara, a video producer for the Alabama news outlet, had been instructed by officials at a correctional institute that her manner of dress was not appropriate for their facility. Her skirt was deemed to be too short, and they required that she pull on a pair of rain pants to cover up. The journalist was rather miffed over this interruption in her reporting on the punishment for convicted killer Joe Nathan James.

“I believe it is more than appropriate,” Shatara stated. “I have worn this skirt to prior executions without incident.”

Distinguished Explanatory Reporting

  • Van Jones – CNN

There is a current trend in media to pretend that if you selectively eliminate the horrible aspects of this administration, then everything is rosy. If you only look back to this March, gas prices are lower, if you do not count inflation, the economy is doing great, etc.

Taking the prize though might be Van Jones, as he asks us to overlook half a year’s worth of mayhem to come up with a positive result.

“Listen, if you just erase the past six months of nutty stuff, it looks like you’ve got a president that can get an infrastructure bill done, get COVID stuff done, get something done for the American people on climate, get something done on CHIPS- that’s a successful presidency, you just have the past six months of nonsense that takes away from it.”

So, we’ll just eradicate one-third of Biden’s term and then see only good things. Suuuuurrrre….

DIstinguished International Reporting
  • Merco Press – Argentina

As the country of Argentina is enduring some severe inflation, the administration is finding itself under unique scrutiny. Recently the spokeswoman of President Alberto Fernandez found herself embroiled in scandal – for daring to enter a social media contest for a…personal reason.

READ RELATED: Well that's frappe, Starbucks announces store closures in big blue cities, citing grande concerns over employee safety

Argentina’s Presidential Spokeswoman Gabriela Cerruti made the headlines Friday after she was spotted on Instagram entering a Friend’s Day contest to win a dildo, which was promoted under the slogan “Your clitoris is your best friend. Give it a gift.”

Distinguished Cultural Commentary

  • Alex Portee’ – The Today Show

There are deeply important touchstones in our cultural landscape which deliver significant details affecting the broader scope of our society. But instead of focusing on such items, at the Today Show, they tracked down the birthday of the fictional cartoon character George Jetson. Apparently, obsessive fans of the show have pinned down the detail that George was to be born sometime this year, this month.

Adding to the deep import of this news, you have to appreciate the sourcing for this story – the internet.

Distinguished International Reporting

  • Eesha Affan – CBC

There is a cherished tradition of various countries developing horrific mascots for any number of teams, events, or causes. (I dare you to look into Brazil’s Senhor Testiculo.)

In Halifax, Nova Scotia, they have an upcoming Oyster Festival, and they released images of their nightmare-fuel of an anthropomorphic bivalve spokesmodel.

Distinguished Investigative Reporting

  • JJ Hendricks – Price Charting Magazine

The gang over at the comic book grading and pricing outfit was going through a ton of issues and after looking over the covers, they started to hit upon a theory. Applying data measurement metrics, the outlet wanted to find out if the portrayals of female characters had undergone a transformation over the generations.

They discovered that the number of breasts had swelled, the displays had inflated, and the frequency of cleavage displays had widened.

Distinguished Coverage of Frozen Desserts

  • Dennis Lee – The Takeout

Adding to the list of things ruined by Joe Biden – or is it Jill Biden?!?! – we learned of the demise of an iconic frozen dessert.

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